SEX EDUCATION Ten lessons we learned from The Sex Issue by Goop
Boredom is normal, fantasies are achievable and self-pleasure is at the root of everything. Here are 10 lessons we learned from Goop’s new book, The Sex Issue
It’s strange, when you think about it. Sex is so intrinsically linked to pleasure and joy, but it’s still wrapped up in mystery, shame and insecurity. It releases endorphins and oxytocin, lowers stress and fosters intimacy in our relationships, yet many of us fret that we don’t know what we’re doing, that our sex lives aren’t ‘normal’, or that our desires simply aren’t worth addressing. Some of these stigmas and anxieties are challenged in the book The Sex Issue, written by the team behind Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle brand Goop. They asked a variety of experts, from relationship counsellors and psychotherapists to orgasmic meditation practitioners, about all things sex, in an attempt to debunk myths, reduce shame and promote pleasure.
‘It’s never too late, or too early, to get comfortable with your desires,’ writes Gwyneth Paltrow in the introduction. ‘Knowing yourself, all your options, and how to ask for and pursue what feels good to you, is the point.’
With that in mind, we’ve picked our biggest takeaways from the book.
PORN CAN BE EMPOWERING
Mainstream porn gets a bad rap: unrealistic, unromantic, tailored to men, degrading to women and often unethical. Yes – but change is afoot. Adult filmmaker Erika Lust directs pornography films from the female gaze, in which women pursue their own desires, and performers know exactly what is happening on set and are treated and paid well. ‘Explicit films can be used as a tool for sexual liberation and education,’ Lust says. ‘Used properly, they stimulate you and push the boundaries of your own taboos, showing you new experiences and spicing up your sex life.’ Visit eroticfilms.com.
YOU CAN REIGNITE INTIMACY
When you have kids, a fulfilling career and a strong social life, your relationship – and sex – can drop off the priority list. But psychotherapist Barry Michels says you have to think of your relationship as the launching pad for everything else you want to achieve. ‘You may not realise it, but when the most important relationship in your life is troubled, it acts as a drag on your whole life.’ He recommends encouraging an ‘air’ of sexual intimacy even when you’re not having sex: leave sexy messages for each other, say ‘I love you’ often and touch in meaningful ways.
IT’S OKAY TO BE BORED
According to Tantric expert Layla Martin, it’s normal to go through ups and downs of desire, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship. ‘Each of us has a sexual desire season of spring, summer, autumn and winter,’ she explains. During spring, you can’t get enough of each other and there’s a lot of flirting; in summer, you are incredibly passionate and turned on; in autumn, you let go of old habits and may feel strange or off; and in winter, you might lose interest in your partner all together. ‘Often, people get into winter and freak out, meaning the winter lasts much longer,’ she explains. ‘If you understand your personal seasons and embrace them, then the cycle will keep going and you’ll go back to spring and summer.’ But if you’re experiencing an extended period of low libido, gynaecologist and author Dr Sara Gottfried recommends going to your doctor to check your hormone levels.
THERE IS A MAGIC SPOT – BUT IT’S NOT THE ONE YOU’RE THINKING OF
Forget the G-spot: the most sensitive point is in the upper left-hand quadrant of the clitoris, or the ‘one o’clock spot’, says Nicole Daedone, creator of Orgasmic Meditation. ‘If you’ve ever said (or thought): “no, a little to the left; a little to the right”, you’re trying to get your partner to that spot. When the spot begins to open, it makes the entire clitoris very sensitive.’ Daedone says that stroking this point regularly will make your genitals (and eventually your whole body) more sensitive over time.
YOU CAN HAVE SEX TO GET HORNY
While men usually follow the pattern ‘get horny, have sex’, it’s not always the same progression for women. Many aren’t turned on by the idea of sex – they need to be in a sexual situation to get turned on. Sex therapist Laurie Mintz says you might need to reverse the pattern – have sex to get horny.
RETHINK THE ORGASM
Viewing orgasm as the ‘end-goal’ of sex is the norm, but it’s problematic. It creates pressure for both partners, and can cause you to ‘switch off’ all together if you think it’s not going to happen (which is pretty common, considering only 5% of women orgasm through penetration alone). So, sexologist Juliet Allen says we need to expand our definition of orgasm to the waves of pleasure in our entire body, not just the mind-blowing explosion that marks the end of sex. ‘When you become more present and aware of the littlest of sensations, you’re already experiencing orgasm,’ she says – so relax and enjoy it!
PRIORITISE YOUR SELF-PLEASURE
Alongside the ‘shameful’ connotations, masturbation is perceived as something women shouldn’t have to do when in a relationship. But life coach Alexandra Jamieson says we should view it as a ‘wellbeing ritual’ and a way to create a loving connection with our bodies. You also release more oxytocin, endorphins and dopamine, which help to lower physical and emotional stress. Plus, getting to know your body will make you better equipped to guide a partner.
FETISHES ARE HEALTHY
There’s stigma surrounding fetishes: the idea that they’re a manifestation of unhealthy emotions can mean many suppress them. Rest assured, they’re normal. A 2013 study published in the Journal Of Sexual Medicine found that BDSM practitioners scored better on many indicators of mental health compared with the control group. Consent and communication are key.
ANAL CAN BE PLEASURABLE
Many people are turned off by anal due to the association with discomfort and pain – plus it has long been seen as shameful and dirty. In fact, the anal area is one of the most sensation-filled areas of the body, full of nerve endings, and can be a great source of pleasure and intimacy. If you want to try it, sex and relationship therapist Chris Donaghue recommends talking about it openly with your partner. ‘Get used to the experience of it being touched and associated with pleasure,’ he says. ‘If you are stressed or anxious, your entire body will tense. Practice, relaxation and breathing are important prerequisites.’ When you get going, using lots of lube and slow insertion will make it much more enjoyable.
WORK THROUGH YOUR FANTASIES
Getting out of your comfort zone is key to enjoying a long-lasting and fulfilling sex life, so sex guru Laura Corn recommends making a list of your sexual desires. ‘Rearrange them in an order from easiest to achieve to most challenging,’ she says. For example, you’ve always wanted to be blindfolded, or experience a threesome. What seems easiest to do? Start there and work your way down your list
– you’ll become more confident with each step.