MAKE YOUR HOLIDAY ZEN LAST LONGER Stay calm all year long

Few feelings can beat that post-getaway mood boost, and now a new book uncovers scientific ways to stay calm all year long. Brigid Moss reveals how to get the best from your rest

Think back to your last break. Exactly how long did your relaxed post-holiday high last? Did the bubble burst in the endless queue for the airport parking bus? Or maybe, if you were lucky, you lost the buzz a couple of weeks back into normal life. That’s because taking a holiday, as well as some of the other ways in which we try to fight stress, such as mindfulness, a bubble bath or practising gratitude, often only go skin deep. ‘We live in a world where there’s constant low-level stress all day, every day,’ says health educator and bestselling author Emily Nagoski. Which explains why the results of self-care and even a two-week holiday only last so long. ‘Our stress is so complex and so pervasive that it needs much more than just this kind of basic stuff.’ This is where Emily and her twin sister, Amelia, come in. In their new book, Burnout: The Secret To Solving The Stress Cycle, they dig deep into what drives stress, unpicking the science of the mental and bodily processes that contribute to it and eventually lead to burnout. What makes this book unique is that it puts stress (specifically female stress) in a cultural context; for example, the fact that we’re living in the patriarchy. This, say the Nagoskis, makes it the first feminist self-help book. They lay out the evidence for this with care: the existence of gender bias at work. ‘The association of masculinity with strength and high-quality performance and leadership,’ says Amelia. Then there’s inequality in housework and childcare. Research in the UK in 2016 revealed that women spent more time in unpaid labour than men (26 hours vs 16 hours). And, of course, there’s misogyny, internet trolls and relationship violence.

Oh, and there’s what the Nagoskis call the Bikini Industrial Complex: each of us need to squeeze and shrink ourselves into a culturally

constructed ideal of beauty. There’s also what they call the

Human Giver Complex: as females, we should be pretty, happy, calm and generous, and, in order to put the needs of others first, we should suppress our own emotional needs. ‘We sacrifice our own wellbeing on the altar of the comfort of others,’ says Emily.

Acknowledging these cultural sources of stress, as well as the more obvious ones, such as illness, lack of money, problems at work, caring responsibilities and relationships, is the start of taking up arms against stress to stop it being overwhelming, promise the Nagoskis. ‘Just knowing that the game is rigged can help you feel better right away,’ they write. When putting the book together, their intention was to give people science-based tools to feel better, to feel well, to make that holiday high last all year. They are tools that work, whether you’re in the middle of a shitstorm at work or a passport queue. Here are just a few of them…

1 COMPLETE YOUR STRESS CYCLE

A lot of the time, a lot of us are stuck in the stress response. After we have been stressed, we need to tell our bodies that we are safe (the equivalent of being back with the tribe after being chased by a lion), but we don’t. ‘Stress is a physiological process,’ says Amelia, a cycle you have to finish. ‘The things that cause us stress can be anything you see, smell, taste, touch or imagine. But the really powerful thing to know is that you can feel better by completing the stress response cycle even before the problems are solved.’

Telling yourself that things are better does not finish the cycle, so what does? Moving your body: 20 to 60 minutes of exercise a day. ‘But even just standing up from your chair, taking a deep breath and tensing all your muscles for 20 seconds, then shaking it out with a big exhale, is an excellent start.’ What else works? Deep, slow breaths. Breathe in slowly for a count of five, hold for five, exhale for a slow count of 10 and hold for five. Positive social interactions, such as nice chats, also work. ‘Even telling your barista that you like her nails is enough to remind your body that the world is a safe place to be,’ says Amelia. Laughter is good, too, and so is affection. For example, holding a kiss for six seconds, hugging for 20, or stroking a pet; crying, even if it’s at something you’ve seen on screen; and creative expression, whether it’s art, music or writing.

2 UNSTICK YOUR EMOTIONS

One cause of burnout is when we get stuck in our emotions, explain the Nagoskis. You might be stuck because you’re getting stressed out by your boss or husband every single day. Or you may need professional help if you’re experiencing an emotion that’s difficult to process: rage, grief, despair or helplessness, for example. As women, we can get trapped by not expressing our emotions because they feel ugly, inappropriate or selfish; this is part of what the Nagoskis call the Human Giver Complex.

The key to getting unstuck is to separate the emotion from its cause.

First, start to think of emotions purely as a release of neurochemicals in your brain in response to a stimulus. Now, when you feel an emotion, be conscious that you need to let the emotion take its course. Don’t swallow or stifle it. If you experience them fully, emotions will come to an end. ‘Emotions are tunnels: if you go all the way through them, you get to the light at the end,’ says Emily.

3 REDEFINE BEAUTY

Basically, we need to get rid of the stress of chasing the ideal body associated with the Bikini Industrial Complex, because it isn’t real. For example, evidence shows thin doesn’t equal healthy, say the Nagoskis. The ideal is stressful because – quite apart from money spent on diet products and programmes – you are using up all your cognitive resources on looks, from making decisions about food and clothes to exercise and make-up. The answer? Construct your own new ideal of beauty. ‘Everyone is beautiful because human bodies are a part of nature,’ says Emily. ‘Gnarled trees are beautiful; that one flower that breaks through the concrete is beautiful. If you can see it in those natural things, you can see it in every single human body.’

Emily and Amelia have created their own term for beauty: New

Hotness. This is their ‘texting shorthand for looking fabulous without referring to the socially constructed ideal’. ‘Maybe you don’t look like you used to, or as you used to imagine you should, but how you look today is the New Hotness,’ says Emily.

Some of their examples are obvious: new hair, new clothes. But there are others that may seem less so: saggy stomach skin from having a baby, gaining 20 pounds while studying, new wrinkles that mark another year, scar tissue. These, they say, are all part of your New Hotness.

4 SEEK OUT SOCIALS

Connecting with other people is a compulsory form of nourishment, just like food and water. Humans are built for it, with friends, best friends, family, children, partners and even pets. ‘There is a standard narrative: when we are born, we are entirely dependent and, as we grow up, our job is to meet our own needs,’ says Emily. This, she says, is not true. You go between needing autonomy and connection all your adult life. How do you know when you need more connection? These four situations are red flags: 1) When you’re asking yourself if you’re crazy. 2) When you feel you’re not enough. 3) When you’re sad. 4) When you’re feeling rage.

5 GET YOUR REST

The Nagoskis have worked out how much rest we need, and it’s 42% of the time (10 hours out of 24). You may think that’s impossible, ‘but we don’t mean it’s just a good idea to get that much rest. We mean, if you don’t get that much, the rest will get you,’ says Emily. Remember when you last went on holiday and slept for the first two days? That’s the rest getting you. In any case, this is an expanded definition of rest, although it includes sleep and naps. ‘Rest is, quite simply, when you stop using a part of you that’s used up, worn out, damaged or inflamed, so that it has a chance to renew itself,’ write the Nagoskis. So it’s fine to go between work and daydreaming, or to take a break. In fact, it’s necessary, as it gives your brain time to process life.

On average, your 10 hours could be made up from: eight hours’ sleep, 30 minutes of stress-reducing conversation with your partner, 30 minutes of movement, 30 minutes of food prep and eating and 30 minutes of doing something that makes you feel good. Don’t panic if you can’t take your 10 hours every day, just make it up the next day or at the weekend. If you don’t, it will take you. According to the Nagoskis, ‘It will grab you by the face, shove you to the ground, put its foot on your chest and declare itself the victor.’