THE SECRET TO UNDERSTANDING YOURSELF BETTER

Three years ago, Ella Dove had a devastating accident. For a long time, she resisted psychological support – then she discovered an exercise that changed her life. And it could do the same for you, too…

Ella Dove on the importance of finding values

Imagine it’s your 80th birthday. You think you’re going for a quiet family meal, but your family surprise you, instead driving you to a village hall. You walk in and a cheer goes up – the room is packed full of everyone you have ever loved. You’re helped on to the stage, where three of those people are going to say what your life has been about. What would you want them to say? The answers may be more revealing than you imagine. In fact, when I tried this exercise with my therapist, Kim Lyons, I uncovered layers of myself I never knew existed. The purpose is to discover your core values, a key branch of a fascinating area of psychology called acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). ACT is the practice of learning to accept what is out of your control and living a fulfilling life by working out what is meaningful to you – your values. These could be curiosity, spirituality, gratitude, flexibility, power; the list goes on.

Values are fundamental principles and morals we hold closest to our hearts. ‘Ultimately, values are a way of understanding what’s important

to you as an individual,’ Lyons tells me. For me, this knowledge has proved to be unexpectedly invaluable. Sceptical? Read on…

I started having therapy in 2017, a year after a freak running accident, which led to the amputation of my right leg when I was 25. For a long time, I resisted it. Focused on my physical recovery, part of me saw the prospect of letting that emotional guard down as weakness. I thought I knew myself completely.

‘Values are like points on a compass,’ says Lyons. ‘You never reach north, in the same way that you never fully achieve your values, but you have landmarks along the way – small achievable goals that help you work towards what’s important to you. With you, what was interesting was that while everything around you had changed, your values didn’t.’ They were the anchor that kept me from drifting.

Values help us to look inside ourselves, examine our priorities and seek out our moral compass to find the sense of direction we crave. But you don’t necessarily need to visit a therapist to discover your core values. You can do it at home, too.

1Visit contextualconsulting.co.uk/values and print out the list of values cards.

2Cut out the cards and order them into three columns – ‘very important,’ ‘important’ and ‘not important.’ As you read the descriptions, ask yourself: ‘Which values do I hold closest?’ Sometimes, identifying what’s not so important will help you to realise what is. Be completely honest.

3From the ‘very important’ column, pick out six cards that hold the most significance for you. Not in any order – all six are equally important. It’s likely there will be more that you feel drawn to, however, six is a recommended number to ensure you are able to really focus on the values you choose to explore.

4Keep your values in mind. When you come across challenging situations or people who are difficult to connect with, you’ll notice when and how the values conflict. You can then harness them to improve your resilience and gain a better understanding, both of yourself and of others.

5Repeat the exercise whenever you feel in need of direction. Learning to understand what you feel inside helps you recognise when to take steps towards your values; and when you might need to work harder to fulfil them.

This exercise helped me to see that my main values are industry, humour, friendliness, authenticity, creativity and independence. These values were a source of stability, a guide for every domain of life, including work, hobbies, relationships and family. ‘When you talked to me about your career and writing a book, you had a physical energy; it was palpable that working towards your values made you feel good,’ says Lyons. ‘Small, achievable goals lead to a qualitative reaction – and you will be more motivated as a result.’

However, values help with more than concrete achievements – they lead us to understand ourselves and others better. Often, not getting on with someone means there is a clash of values, and taking the time to examine conflict more deeply can lead to a new comprehension. This is also true of your inner value clashes, which can leave you feeling low or dissatisfied. ‘Before we did the exercise, you used to criticise yourself for being friendly, telling me you were too open. Your values can cause inner conflict because you’re hard working and driven (industry), but you struggle to fit everything and everyone in, so you feel pulled in different directions. But, actually, seeing that friendliness was one of your values meant that you became kinder to yourself.’

After my accident, relationships were a source of anxiety. How, I worried, would anyone ever find me attractive as an amputee? For a long time, I didn’t talk about this. ‘Whenever I asked you about relationships, you’d say, “I’m all about my career. I don’t need anyone right now,”’ says Lyons, smiling. ‘It may have been true. But when you said that, emotionally, you were avoiding the reality. In order to work towards your values, you have to be present and willing to show vulnerability.’

She’s right. Now, three years after my accident, I have a boyfriend. But my core value of authenticity meant I never felt comfortable in the early stages of dating. I had a mental block when it came to telling men about my prosthetic leg, which meant I experienced inner turmoil. However, having discovered my values, setting myself targets to work towards them meant I was more open about my accident. I told my boyfriend about it before I even met him; and setting a precedence for authenticity meant I was comfortable in his presence from the start.

By pausing and considering our values, we can make a positive difference to how we act. When we acknowledge why we might feel a certain way, it encourages resilience to life’s challenges. ‘I think of values as a structure,’ says Lyons. ‘When life is complicated or chaotic, when you can’t see a way to move forward, they give you something to work towards.’

Now, whenever I feel lost or confused, I reflect on my values – and my sense of self is strengthened. I’ve become more capable of dealing with uncomfortable, unwanted feelings.

And as for my 80th birthday party? Without pausing to consider, I tell Kim that I’d want my loved ones to say how proud they are of what I’ve overcome, how I’ve managed to reach my goals with purpose and positivity. A knowing smile crosses her face, because I’ve just summed up my values in one sentence. ‘See?’ she says. ‘It works.’ I leave feeling energised and determined. With values to guide me, I have a purpose I can steer towards unknown, exciting horizons. And with half an hour, willingness and a bit of introspection, so could you. Five Steps To Happy (Orion, £14.99) by Ella Dove; out 11th July

‘VALUES WERE THE ANCHOR THAT KEPT ME FROM DRIFTING’