HOW TO HAVE A GOOD ARGUMENT Trust us, it is possible

Arguments are inherently negative, right? Not so, actually. Arielle Tchiprout discovers we could all benefit from mastering the art of productive disagreement

Think back to the last argument you had. Whether it was a political debate with a colleague or a heated discussion about finances with your partner, recall how you felt. Was anxiety tightening your chest? Was your brain bubbling with reasons you were right, but you struggled to articulate them? Did you raise your voice? Did you roll your eyes? Did you leave the conversation feeling more frustrated than when you started? This kind of exacerbating disagreement is all too common, and is partly why many of us find it easier to avoid arguments altogether. After all, being a peacekeeper is seen as a more desirable trait than being confrontational – especially for women, whose traditional role involves remaining calm and ensuring everyone feels comfortable.

But, says Buster Benson, Silicon Valley entrepreneur and author of Why Are We Yelling?, suppressing our desire to address issues we deem important can be detrimental to our health and wellbeing, and can damage our closest relationships.

‘If we make a habit of pushing down frustrations to keep the peace, we’re left with constant low-level anxiety that wears away our mental and physical health,’ he says. ‘By avoiding issues we care about, the problems don’t go away – they just disappear under the surface, ready to come back and bite us in more obvious ways in future.’

According to Benson, there seems to be a lot of yelling, ‘if not at each other, then into our pillows’, which calls for a rethink. Instead, he says, it’s crucial to learn how to address conflict constructively. ‘Arguments might feel uncomfortable, but discomfort is key to our growth,’ he explains. ‘They can remove threats, reduce risks, result in deals or conclude with decisions, allow growth and understanding, and strengthen our trust and connection with others.’ Here’s how you can learn to disagree productively…