ASK PHILIPPA shares her advice Our agony aunt
A reader is worried about her mum’s partner after she received a cancer diagnosis. Show him compassion, says psychotherapist and Red’s agony aunt Philippa Perry
QQ After 30 years together, my parents separated last year, with my mother leaving my father for another man. Then, within months, she was diagnosed with lung cancer, which has spread elsewhere. My problem is regarding the man my mother is with now. They live together, but since my mother’s recent discharge from hospital, he seems to have taken a step back in terms of caring for her. He used to be really attentive, but in recent weeks it appears that it is all too much for him. He is 70 and my mother is 55, so there is an age gap. I’m not sure what to do. Do I confront him about it and ask him to step up? Do I leave my mum to do it? She’s noticed a change in him, too. I feel really anxious about the fact that she’s this unwell and he’s no longer interested in helping out. He sometimes leaves her alone for hours on end, or asks her what she wants, only to then tell her, ‘We don’t need that.’ I’m concerned this could potentially turn into an emotionally abusive situation, and I’m not sure what I can do to safeguard against this or how to move forward.
A Firstly, I’m sorry you are having such a worrying time. How awful to find out your mother has got lung cancer. It seems that her partner may also be shocked and affected by the changes your mother is going through; not only health changes, but also in herself. He is supposed to be in a honeymoon period: at last he is with the love of his life and to find out that she isn’t what he thought – which we know logically is not your mum’s fault at all – must make him bitterly disappointed, and to be disappointed is to be angry on some level. He will know that it is unreasonable to be angry, and he will be trying his best not to be, but if he has not acknowledged it to himself, it will leak out. If I were you – but I’m not, and this might not be the way forward for you – what I’d try to do is get everyone’s feelings spoken about. I’d tell him that it would be normal and natural to feel disappointed and frustrated that his new partner was so very ill, therefore things were not turning out as he expected and what a lot of adjusting he must be having to do. I would also say that you can’t help your feelings, but if you acknowledge them you’re less likely to act on them. Now I know this is easy for me to say because I’ve been a therapist for years and have seen this sort of thing play out before, but do you think you could put on his shoes and try to see the situation the way he must be seeing it? People that are shown compassion can more easily pass compassion on.
Your mother’s health situation must be so worrying and upsetting for you all. In situations like yours, we all do what we can; we do our poor best. I’m not sure that he is uninterested in helping out; I think he has feelings that need attending to before he can help out. Most people do their poor best all the time, but possibly because of his crushed expectations his best is very poor right now. I would not rush in to label him as abusive.
The practicalities are that your mum needs care, so it is up to you and your siblings to draw up a schedule for caring for her, and it might mean leaving work or going part time. Your relationship with your mum is of the utmost importance, and because it’s impossible to know how long she’ll be around, this should be your priority, not what other people are doing or not doing.
Try not to gather evidence against him; he is your mum’s choice. She must be disappointed too that their relationship isn’t what she hoped it would be and that the person she was is now mostly just ill. Bloody cancer. If getting angry with cancer could help, we would’ve cured it by now.