…someone who is struggling with their mental health

When someone you love is suffering from mental health difficulties, it’s impossible to overestimate your worth as their friend. How you support them might vary, depending on what they’re struggling with and the nature of your friendship, but your role is fundamental in making them feel less alone. That said, start by managing your own emotions. Most likely, you’ll be feeling helpless. The reality is that you probably can’t take your friend’s suffering away and you’re not going to be able to lift them out of whatever it is they’re going through. That’s a painful thing to sit with.

Don’t try to fix your friend: that’s not your job. It’s also not your job to give advice – tread very carefully if you do. Telling your friend what they should or shouldn’t do can come across as critical or overwhelming, or simply highlight what they can’t do. Most of the time, they already know how they’re supposed to improve their wellbeing. Telling someone to try going for a run when, for all you know, they can’t even get out of bed, won’t help.

If you’ve been through something similar, you might feel tempted to advise your friend on how to navigate their situation. Sometimes that can be helpful, but remember, what worked for you might not work for them. What’s much more useful is to talk about the emotional experience; how it can feel like the days go on for ever, for example.

Create space in which they feel they can open up. First, ask open-ended questions. ‘How are you feeling?’ and ‘What’s been going on for you today?’ are much better than, ‘Are you okay?’, which can be closed down easily with a yes or no answer. Second, really, really listen to them when they talk. Those with mental health difficulties often feel sensitive to not being heard or prioritised by others, so make sure you give them your full attention. That means if you’re talking on the phone, no rustling in the background, and in person, making sure you’re not distracted. Body language is important, too: don’t stare at them, but also don’t look around the room, or sit too close or too far away.

Meanwhile, do your research. Reading up about whatever your friend is suffering from will help you understand their situation a bit better. Make sure you look at information from different sources so you have multiple perspectives. Those sorts of things will leave you a little bit more informed about how to go into the situation in a safe way.

Research will also make you more mindful of things that you might not otherwise realise. For example, when someone is going through something like depression, they may not have the mental energy to make decisions or plans. Instead of saying, ‘What do you want to do for lunch?’, present them with options they can choose from. Maybe it’s, ‘I fancy going out for a burrito or a sandwich. Do you have a sense of which one you prefer, or would you like me to choose?’

Gentle distraction is good. And when you’re with your friend, don’t be too fearful of talking about things other than how they are. Sometimes it’s appropriate not to burden them with your own problems, but on other occasions, actually giving your friend the opportunity to help you can be really beneficial for them. Acts of kindness and reciprocity are good for us, especially when we’re feeling otherwise useless.

If you’re part of a group of friends, be careful not to make the person feel as if they’re being talked about. For example, don’t say, ‘Karen and I were talking and we think you should…’ No one likes to feel like they’re the source of gossip, or the one who needs to be looked after.

Sometimes they’ll need space, and that’s okay. Rather than always calling, send a voice note to let them know you’re thinking of them. Or text and say, ‘If I don’t hear from you,

I’ll phone you in a week to check in.’ Supporting someone is sometimes just about letting them know that you’re there.

Hopefully, your friend will get better in time. If they do, don’t stop checking in on them. When they are in a good place, take the opportunity to find out what helps them best. Ultimately, friendships are a protective factor for everyone. They can bring joy and meaning to all our lives, in the best and worst of times.

‘Start by managing your own emotions’