Listen up!

IF YOU CONSTANTLY FEEL LIKE YOU’ RE TALKING TO A BRICK WALL, YOU’RE NOT ALONE. SO HOW CAN YOU GET PEOPLE TO TRULY HEAR YOU? ARIELLE TCHIPROUT ASKS THE EXPERTS

At a recent dinner party, an acquaintance asked me how my job was going. Yet, as soon as I opened my mouth to respond, I felt his interest waning. His eyes darted around the room as if looking for something more exciting to focus on. When I hurriedly finished my sentence, he made a grunt of approval before shouting across the table at someone else.

It was obvious that he simply wasn’t listening to me. While annoying, this experience actually felt pretty normal. Moments like this are woven into my everyday life, and I know I’m not the only one. They happen at work: in meetings, colleagues interrupt or repeat exactly what I just said, as if it is a completely new idea. They happen at home, when I ask my partner to take the bins out for what feels like the 50th time. My friends who have children tell me that getting their kids to listen feels like fighting a losing battle. For women, being ignored and dismissed can feel like an inevitable side-effect of living in a patriarchal society.

But that doesn’t mean we should accept it. If you continually feel like you’re not being listened to, you’ll carry around a bubbling undercurrent of frustration that can chip away at your self-esteem. ‘It can lead to a sense of disconnectedness, loneliness and isolation, all of which, experts warn, are at epidemic levels in the UK,’ says Kate Murphy, author of You’re Not Listening (Harvill Secker).

So what can we do to make sure people tune in?

The first step is to acknowledge that we’re all pretty bad listeners – yes, even you. It’s symptomatic of the fast-paced world we now live in. ‘Our tech devices have made us distracted and unable to focus on one thing,’ says Caroline Goyder, voice coach and author of Find Your Voice (Vermilion). This means we all have to make a conscious effort to be better listeners. ‘Listening and speaking are part of the same flow,’ says Goyder. ‘If you listen more, you can tailor what you say accordingly. Plus, if others feel heard, it makes them more likely to reciprocate.’

We can also make practical changes to the content and delivery of our speech to increase our chances of being really, properly, listened to. And isn’t that all we really want – to feel heard and understood? Here, the experts share their best advice…

FOR OWNING THE ROOM

Communication expert Julian Treasure (juliantreasure.com) shares his top tips for when you’re at an event full of friends, acquaintances and strangers.

1. Think about your intentions

When you start telling a story, think about why you want to tell it. People love to look good or be right, but these bad habits can make people tune out. Instead, think whether your listener would be interested in what you have to say.

2. Know your audience

Listen carefully to others in order to understand and become aware of their experiences, attitudes and beliefs. This will help you filter the things they’ll want to hear. For example, a friend who has kids may be more likely to appreciate your story about a recent parents’ evening than someone who doesn’t have children.

3. Spot bad habits

Record yourself speaking in a conversation, then listen back. Look out for ‘bad’ speaking habits that can make people switch off, such as speaking too slowly, too quickly, adding extra emphasis to the end of sentences so they sound like questions, mumbling and using filler words and sounds such as ‘erm’ and ‘like’. If you become aware of your speaking habits, you can make a conscious effort to avoid them in future.

4. Go deep

You can learn to make the tone of your voice more empowering. Studies have shown that we take deeper voices more seriously, so making your voice deeper can increase authority in what you say. Practise speaking with your hand on your sternum (breastbone). When you speak, you should feel it vibrate.

5. Get comfortable with silence

We often ramble or use filler words because we’re afraid of awkward silences. But filling gaps unnecessarily can indicate a lack of confidence and presence. Sit in silence for a few minutes every day. It recalibrates your ears, helps with listening, and you’ll realise it’s not as scary as it seems.

IN THE OFFICE

Caroline Goyder shares some valuable insight if you struggle to hold your own in the workplace.

1. Be clear on your purpose

When you enter any meeting, be clear on why you’re there and what you have to offer. Women in particular often undercut themselves, tail off and sound uncertain because they anticipate that people (especially men) won’t listen. But when your subject comes up, speak up without questioning yourself and be bold and punchy. Remember that you deserve to be in that room, and you deserve to be heard.

2. Get to the point

Cut all the modifiers and hesitation words such as ‘I was just thinking’ and ‘maybe it could possibly work’. They might seem polite, but circling around a topic can make people drift off. Words such as ‘maybe’ and ‘just’ reduce the impact and credibility of what you’re saying, so avoid them altogether.

3. Zip it

When you’ve made your point, close your mouth and let someone else speak. We often repeat ourselves or talk around the topic unnecessarily because we’re worried about silence, but it’s not your responsibility to keep speaking. When you hit the full stop, focus on your feet on the floor, your bum on the seat, and breathe. Relax, and someone else will take over.

4. Take two

Before an important conversation, take two minutes to centre yourself and breathe. Rather than sounding jumpy and reactive, this will calm your nervous system and, if you speak calmly, people are more likely to listen.

IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Feeling like your partner doesn’t listen is one of the most common relationship complaints. Relate therapist Peter Saddington (relate.org.uk) has these suggestions:

1. Get their attention

Do you shout questions or demands at your partner from across the house, then feel frustrated when they haven’t listened? The problem is, they won’t be concentrating if they’re preoccupied with something else. Make sure you have their attention first. We would do this in almost any

‘Our tech devices have made us distracted and unable to focus’

'Say their name and wait for eye contact'

other situation, but with our partners, we often feel like we have a right to their attention at all times. Say their name and wait for eye contact before you talk.

2. Start sentences differently With partners, when we raise issues or disagreements we often start sentences with ‘you’, as in, ‘You haven’t done the washing-up.’ As soon as you say ‘you’, they’ll assume whatever you say next is some kind of criticism, which can cause them to shut down or become defensive. Instead, start sentences with ‘I’ – for example, ‘I’ve noticed’ – to start on a more positive footing. 3. Speak like an adult Conversations within couples can sink into a parent-child dynamic. One person sounds like a critical parent and the other becomes defensive, like a child. Ensure you’re both speaking like adults – calmly and rationally. Think about how you’d speak in a professional setting as a guide. WITH THE KIDS

Feel like your words go in one ear and out the other? Family therapist Karen Holford (aft.org.uk) shares some tricks.

Speaking to younger children… 1. Listen first

Although this is relevant with all people, it’s especially important with kids. When we constantly tell children what to do, they tune out. If we listen to them, we’re showing that we value their opinions and thoughts, which will make them more likely to listen to us.

2. Speak quietly

When young children hear whispering, they think it’s a secret and something they’ll want to hear. Yelling makes kids think they’ve done something wrong – it’s helpful to save shouting for emergencies or important situations.

3. Confirm they’ve understood

Once you’ve told or asked them something, check they understand. Ask, ‘What have I just said? What will you do now?’ Young children can find lots of information overwhelming, so they forget things easily. Give easy, simple requests and ensure they make sense to them.

And teenagers… 1. Take the pressure off

Teens are more likely to listen in a neutral, less intense environment. If you have something important to talk to them about, try doing an activity together, such as cooking or shopping.

2. Work as a team

Telling teens what to do can backfire, and they might even consciously ignore you. If you need to discipline them, address the chat as if you’re coming up with a solution together. Tell them how you feel, ask how they feel, then ask how they think you can successfully solve this issue together.