ASK PHILIPPA
A reader’s relationship with her dad has soured. Stop seeing parents as perfect to lessen their influence, says psychotherapist and Red’s agony aunt Philippa Perry
Our agony aunt shares her advice
Q My mum and dad separated when I was just two years old. And when I was 12, my relationship with my dad began to turn sour. This was seven years ago – it feels like a long time and the negativity has damaged our relationship. When I was younger, he made me feel good. He called me ‘my princess’ and ‘beautiful girl’, but when
I became a teenager and began wearing make-up, he stopped. He never complimented me. His comments turned to, ‘You’re nearly pretty today… don’t let it get to your head though,’ and this stuff broke me. I now live with my mum full time. I do feel happier but he still tries to manipulate me, sending me texts telling me I’ve abandoned him and that he is depressed and how he has used drugs. I love him but I don’t feel happy, confident or safe around him. I’ve noticed I’ve also started to distrust men, for instance my boyfriend and stepdad, who are both kind and loving. I hate the fact my dad is affecting how I react to other men. How do I get out of this habit?
A It sounds as if your dad found it easy to compliment you before puberty hit, although his adoration seems to have been about your appearance and seeing you as an unrealistic princess rather than a person to be considered and taken seriously. But you got used to it and heard it as it may have been meant to be heard, as an expression of his love. I think his sudden cessation of this type of praise was because he did not know how to cope as you developed into a woman. He may only see women in terms of sexuality – so he could compliment his daughter when he saw her as a little girl, but not as a woman. There is something not quite right to me about his only remarking on what you look like, rather than finding out who you are. This may be partly why you feel unsafe around him.
Our parents hold more sway over our self-esteem than any other people. You want to respect your dad and look up to him but he is a vulnerable human just like most of us. He tells you stuff you’d rather not know about drug use and depression. He might be trying to make you feel sorry for him to manipulate you rather than merely honestly sharing with you, which is why it might be feeling weird. Your instincts are telling you something and you need to listen to them. You are entitled to put down the boundaries you need to feel comfortable and it is important that you do.
Your father was your first example of a man, your brain’s blueprint for men, so it’s natural you project your dad on to all men to some extent but the great thing is you have caught yourself doing this. If you think about it, you know your boyfriend and your stepdad are not your dad, but sometimes instinct jumps in before you have time to think. You can, though, use your mind over your instinct to make sure you respond to them as they are in the present and not react to them as though they are your dad. This is doable, but it takes practice and isn’t easy because you need your instincts when you are with your dad. You will get there. And you can talk to them or a counsellor about it. Find one at bacp.co.uk.
When we are little, we may believe parents are like gods. It makes us feel safer to think like that because they have such control and power over our lives and how we think of ourselves. Then as we get older, cracks appear and we may feel angry that they are not the perfect people we wanted them to be, but ordinary vulnerable people like the rest of us. Once we come to terms with our parents’ flaws, their influence over us can recede.