AGREE TO DISAGREE

It’s often easier to conform to popular opinion, but Arielle Tchiprout has learned it’s more rewarding to embrace your dissenting voice

The benefits of speaking your mind

Not so long ago, there was a television series that everyone was talking about.

You probably know the one. It was heralded as genius; it won a slew of highly respected awards. Friends and colleagues told me it was the best show they had ever seen. Based on my social circle, the industry I work in, and my broader interests, I should have loved it too. And yet… It’s not that I hated it. Honestly, I didn’t. It’s just that I couldn’t summon the same feelings of wonder that everyone else seemed to have. But I felt too ashamed to admit that. Instead, I nodded furiously in agreement and gushed words of praise.

Disagreeing, in any situation, can be challenging. It can be especially hard for women, as we’ve often been taught from a young age not to rock the boat. That said, arguing itself has never been my problem. Growing up with five rowdy sisters, I’m not afraid of confrontation. I will happily debate dish-stacking etiquette with my boyfriend, and I waste no time in challenging bigoted views. In these scenarios, I feel safe and comfortable in the knowledge that I’m right (no matter how misguided that assumption might be).

Yet, when it comes to my peers, and we’re discussing the things I should like and enjoy – whether books, movies, restaurants or public figures – I struggle to find my voice. Opinions are by their very nature subjective, but if everyone else seems to believe one thing, I assume they’re right and I’m wrong. I internalise the idea that perhaps I’m not smart enough, not cultured enough, not cool enough to fully ‘get it’. I worry that by revealing my differing view, I’ll be judged for my inferior taste or lack of intelligence. Ultimately, it’s rooted in a fear of nonconformity; that by separating myself in any way from my chosen ‘tribe’, I’ll be cast out altogether.

I’m sure I’m not the only one. Maybe you have another G&T so you don’t seem boring, even though you have a throbbing headache. You rave about the play you saw, despite the fact you counted down the minutes until it finished. We all conform in small, subtle, insignificant ways. I get it – you probably think it’s just not worth the trouble. Who wants to be that contradictory voice at all times? Not me!

Then again, I’ve discovered that these micro-conformities – all the times you want to disagree but don’t – can weigh you down. You carry around your ‘wrong’ perspectives and your internal judgement until you squash your sense of self. Instead, I’ve learned that saying how you really feel is much more rewarding.

I put this into practice when my (virtual) office book club suggested a universally loved novel, that I – you guessed it – didn’t actually love. When it was my turn to speak, I ignored the knot in my stomach and admitted my opinion. Instead of recoiling, my friends listened to my point of view, shared their own perspectives, and we uncovered pockets of agreement among the disagreement. The result? An empathetic conversation that left me feeling invigorated.

It should be obvious, but I have to remind myself that most opinions aren’t a matter of morality, but of perspective. They aren’t right or wrong, heads or tails. Sometimes they’re informed by our unique backgrounds or experiences; other times by a visceral reaction you might struggle to articulate. Either way, we can learn more about one another and the world around us when we’re willing to embrace the patchwork of opinions and thought processes that make us human. It’s hardly revolutionary, but it’s an important reminder in a world that seems to insist on picking a side.

Now, I’m not ashamed to admit that the TV show was Fleabag, and the book was Normal People. Okay, you can rip this page to shreds or block me on Instagram – I can handle it. But I have a feeling you wouldn’t do that because you know, as much as I do, that our likes and dislikes aren’t a reflection of how cool, cultured or smart we are. That our reactions are as complex and multifaceted as our DNA, and that disagreeing – rather than conforming – can actually bring us closer to others and to who we really are. So, own your dissenting voice. Say ‘no’ to another G&T. Confess that you found that play so dull you wanted to scream. Go on, I won’t judge.

‘Disagreeing can bring us closer to who we are’