THE TOWN THAT CURED LONELINESS
Feeling lonely is the defining condition of our times. But, as Brigid Moss discovers, a Somerset town has found a remedy – and you can apply it to your own life, too...
Brigid Moss discovers how one UK town found the answer
During the first days of lockdown, walking through my home town, I noticed a series of banners on railings and walls: ‘Check in on your five nearest neighbours’, they read. I felt my eyes fill. Like a lot of us at that time, I was on an emotional rollercoaster. But I was also touched by the thought that nobody in my town would have to endure this scary time alone. This campaign is typical of Frome, a small town of 27,000 people in Somerset where I’ve lived for six years. You might have heard of it as the birthplace of the ‘flatpack democracy’. In 2011, the town council was taken over by independent candidates whose intention was to do what was best for the people and the town, not fight along party political lines. More recently, it’s been in the news for a pioneering anti-loneliness campaign, spearheaded by local GP Dr Helen Kingston. Along with the council, charities and non-profit organisations, they’ve created a supportive community for both the practical things (shopping, cooking, cleaning, looking after pets) and fun (choir, walking groups, men’s and women’s sheds, talking cafes). One of the first actions, for example, was to create a website of all the existing groups so GPS and nurses could point patients towards it, and the people of Frome could easily find them, too. So simple, but the results have been profound: a 17% fall in emergency hospital admissions, even while they’ve increased 29% across Somerset as a whole (note: these are pre-coronavirus statistics). Dr Julian Abel, who’s spent his life as a palliative care doctor, is director of Compassionate Communities UK, and has co-authored a book on the Frome effect, The Compassion Project: A Case For Hope And Humankindness From The Town That Beat Loneliness (Aster).
‘You might think that what happened in Frome could only happen in a small town, but the point is that you can apply the ideas everywhere,’ Abel says. ‘Because, let’s face it, loneliness and disconnection are
‘COMPASSION IS THE VALUE WE NEED TO BECOME HAPPIER’
everywhere, too, even as we live in more and more crowded places. It’s not just something that affects older people, or the sick or the disadvantaged. The way society has developed lets us stay in our own bubbles, depriving us of community, connection and compassion.’ And loneliness isn’t always just about the absence of people. ‘Children might be being bullied at school, then that loneliness follows them home on their phones,’ says Abel.
The negative impact of loneliness on mental health is profound, raising the risk of depression and dementia. It also takes a toll on physical health; it’s a risk factor for earlier death in the same way as smoking and obesity. And it raises blood pressure, leading to increased risk of strokes and developing coronary heart disease.
Loneliness and isolation are issues that have taken centre stage recently. As a single mum, being in lockdown highlighted how much I need the physical presence of other people, and how much friends and family carry me, and I them.
Abel concludes that there’s one underlying value we need to become a happier, healthier, more connected society, and that is compassion. The dictionary defines this as ‘fellow-feeling’, as well as ‘when a person is moved by the suffering or distress of another, and by the desire to relieve it’. It may be we are learning to flex our compassion muscle. The weekly clap for key workers was compassion in action: all of us finally acknowledging the value of the NHS and those people whose work keeps our society running.
Still, individualism has made our society unequal in so many ways. Frankly, we’re more likely to have compassion fatigue than compassion. ‘But if the 7.7bn people on the planet were all a bit more compassionate, it would have a profound impact. It starts with us asking ourselves: how do we want to live?’ says Abel. Think about how we have had our eyes opened this year to the deep inequalities from society’s entrenched racism – and what society could look like. ‘If we could make compassion a top value, how could racism survive? If you appreciated all your relationships, how could you discriminate?’ says Abel.
‘Having compassion would also make you ask yourself: what is the world going to look like if we carry on like this?’ So, there’s compassion in living a more sustainable life, in reducing your own carbon footprint, in supporting renewable energy and so on.
How to up your compassion quota 1 Increase everyday interactions
You don’t need to do anything special, Abel says. ‘You don’t need to be anything other than a human being. It’s about how you are in your day-to-day interactions.’
Recognise where you’re already compassionate. ‘It goes unrecognised a lot of the time. It’s the time and effort you’re putting into your children’s wellbeing. It’s simple acts of kindness towards the people around you, like making them a cup of tea. It’s saying hello to your neighbours when you’re in the garden, asking them how they are. It’s devoting time to your circle of friends.’
There’s another kind of social contact that you may not have considered as valuable, and it’s what Abel calls ‘light social contact’. During lockdown, I’ve definitely come to appreciate the value of this light contact – the nice chat you have with a shop worker or the people you see walking their dogs every day. ‘The compassion that happens along the way is what makes all the difference,’ says Abel. It would be so good if we don’t lose this as life gets busier again.
2 Nurture your connections
Having spent his life talking to people at the end of theirs, Abel says when people reflect back on their lives, they don’t wish they’d spent more time at work. ‘Meaning comes from the relationships with people around them. We think what’s valuable about ourselves is what we do, our fame or money or achievements. But we value the people around us for who they are, for their love, laughter and friendship.’
You know yourself which moments matter the most, and they are always about people you love. I remember the first time
I went into my baby son’s room, and he was standing in his cot holding his arms up to me. Or when a vicar said the word ‘sexual’ during a wedding service and a friend and I struggled to swallow our laughter (unsuccessfully) for the next 30 minutes.
3 Get creative
‘One of the things lockdown highlighted is the creative ways people have found to communicate with each other, not only electronically but also through windows and over garden walls,’ says Abel. We’ve seen people singing from balconies, dancing in the streets, touching each other’s hands through glass. ‘Humans will always find ways to be social, even when not physically close.’
4 Be a do-gooder
Lockdown has seen a boom in volunteering – the NHS Million (nhsmillion.co.uk), for example. ‘All over the world, groups of people have sprung up wanting to help each other out. Now, there are over 400 in the UK alone,’ says Abel.
One of the first things I heard about in Frome was the Big Christmas Get Together. A free-for-all jamboree at the local football club that’s sponsored by local businesses and community groups, which anyone who is alone at Christmas – or in fact, anyone who wants to – can attend or volunteer for. And this is the point: volunteers get as much out of doing that as the people attending and possibly more.
5 Form a circle
It was compassion that motivated Abel to go into palliative medicine, where the aim is the relief of suffering. ‘And that’s not just of the person who is ill, but their family, friends and neighbours, who all have a role to play,’ he says.
When Abel’s mother was dying, he developed a supportive, compassionate community around her to do practical things such as shop, cook and clean, as well as valuable ones, such as sharing love, laughter and friendship.
‘People tend to discover compassion when they go through a hard time themselves – illness, bereavement, grief of some kind. But you don’t have to wait to be ill or lonely or down to do this,’ says Abel. ‘If someone you know is having a hard time, can you create a community for them?’
Think about the things that interest you, then find ways to share them. ‘If you do something with someone else, you’ll have the pleasure of their laughter and friendship, of their compassion. Then relationships develop along the way,’ says Abel. Choirs are a great example, but so are knit and natter groups. In Frome, there are the Men’s and Women’s Sheds – a movement for talking while making.
There are also now more than 700 community connectors, from cafe owners to receptionists and librarians, who’ve been trained to help people access all the groups and organisations the town has to offer. If each of these people has 20 conversations a year – that’s 14,000 conversations in total.
‘THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN DO IN YOUR WORLD’
THE FUTURE IS NICER
The last health revolution was about wellbeing: how changing the way you eat and move can transform your health. But perhaps the next will be using the power of connections, community, friendship and love now these are all proven to help you stay healthier, be happier and live longer. ‘There are, of course, benefits from changing your lifestyle and diet and activity levels, but it turns out they’re dwarfed by the impact of social relationships, of compassion and kindness,’ says Abel.
This could be a revolution in how we run society, too. ‘We want to promote compassion as a higher value, to ensure it’s used to make decisions in healthcare and education and that it informs both politics and the media,’ says Abel. ‘Before anyone in authority makes a decision, we want them to ask: is this causing harm or is it compassionate?’
And the revolution can start with you. Think about what you can do in your life, your community. ‘Frome could be any town – it could be your town,’ says Abel. ‘Even as we navigate our world with more social distancing, let’s think about all the ways we can come closer together.’