POWER LESSONS FROM A FORMER DOMINATRIX
Who better to learn the art of power and influence than from a former Taoist nun and dominatrix? Arielle Tchiprout goes back to school
Do you want to be more assertive in life?
idon’t know about you, but I like to think of myself as the ultimate ‘modern’ woman: feminist, strong and independent. In my heart, I rage against traditional notions of femininity. I’m not submissive, I refuse to be defined by any man, and I know, deep down, that my skills and talents are valuable. So why, then, does my stomach fill with knots every time I ask for something I want or need? Why do I use modifiers to cushion my requests (‘just wondered whether maybe…’)? Why do I find myself frozen, unsure of what to say, when faced with ‘mansplainers’ or uncomfortable questions? And why – oh why – do I always say ‘yes’ when I want to say ‘no’, and say ‘no’ when I actually mean ‘yes’? I feel constantly frustrated by the limits of my own power, but I’m clearly not alone – Kasia Urbaniak has made a whole career out of helping women like me. She’s the founder and CEO of The Academy, a school that teaches women the foundations of power and influence – and she’s uniquely qualified for the job. Urbaniak spent 17 years studying to become a Taoist nun in one of the oldest female-led monasteries in China, and, to fund her studies, she worked as a high-paid dominatrix in BDSM dungeons across New York City. These seemingly contradictory worlds collided to create a distinct skill set.
‘POWER IS THE ABILITY TO ACCESS YOUR DESIRES’
‘In the monasteries, I’d learn how to read what’s going on in someone’s body by looking at them, and I gained a heightened sense of awareness,’ she recalls. ‘It meant I’d enter the dungeon feeling like I had superpowers.’ Instead of play-acting dominance, Urbaniak found she could effectively influence the men she dominated into a genuinely submissive, obedient state. And this power spilled out into her personal life, too. She realised she had a special ability to ‘ask for outrageous things’ and, essentially, to influence and persuade other people.
With the help of Ruben Flores, her business partner and romantic partner at the time, Urbaniak started an underground school in 2012 to teach other women what she had learned. The school started inside Urbaniak’s New York apartment and spread by word of mouth. She describes those early sessions like a ‘laboratory’, testing her theories about power dynamics. Within them, she discovered universal stumbling blocks, and developed exercises to help women (from politicians to activists) assert themselves in their careers, relationships and the wider world.
In 2018, after Donald Trump’s election and the #Metoo movement, demand for Urbaniak’s teachings increased, and soon she was hosting bigger workshops and talks in a bid to share her concepts with as many women as possible. And now, she’s releasing her book, Unbound: A Woman’s Guide to Power.
When I speak to Urbaniak, the first thing I learn is that power, contrary to popular belief, has nothing to do with cruelty. ‘It’s the ability to access your deepest desires, express them fully, and use them to influence other people and the world at large,’ she says. So why do women, like me and so many others, struggle to assert this power? A main reason, Urbaniak says, is that we’re stuck in a ‘double bind’. ‘Historically, we’ve been encouraged to be submissive, obedient and accommodating,’ she explains, leading to what Urbaniak calls ‘good girl conditioning’. ‘This pops up in myriad sneaky ways,’ she says. ‘It’s in your rush to smooth the tension at every family gathering and the unnecessary disclaimers you offer before delivering a well-rehearsed presentation.’
On the other hand, there’s also an expectation for modern women to be strong and independent. ‘The independent woman can have whatever she wants – as long as she can get it herself,’ says Urbaniak. ‘She doesn’t burden anyone. She doesn’t ask for favours. She’s endlessly resourceful and competent, which means she ends up at the helm of the ship.’ But while the ‘independent woman’ might feel more powerful than an old-school ‘good girl’, ‘she’s running on empty and she’s resentful as hell,’ says Urbaniak.
And this contradictory conditioning can affect everything we do. According to Urbaniak, women often fear being ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’ at the same time. ‘For example, you care too much about your career, and not enough about family,’ she says. ‘You’re too quiet until you’re too loud.’ Urbaniak explains that when we’re constantly trying to find that hallowed middle ground between ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’, we end up ‘compressing’ and tying ourselves in knots. Urbaniak describes this phenomenon as the ‘smush’. ‘When a woman tries to ask for something politely but she’s angry, when she’s trying to express a concern but she’s actually scared, you can almost hear in her voice and see in her body language the attempt to not be too much, and not be too little,’ she explains. Without even realising it, you could be sending out a ‘freaky signal’ that reduces your power and authority.
But, as Urbaniak’s teaching shows, it’s possible to stop the ‘smush’. You can free yourself from that compression and instead take up the space you deserve. You can effectively ask for what you want, and unlock your true potential. ‘When you play skilfully with power dynamics, the world changes,’ says Urbaniak. ‘You stop being a servant of the life you’re living and become a creator of the world you want.’
And with that in mind, let the class begin…
LESSON 1 GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO DESIRE
STEP 1 Create a book of desires. First, you must acquaint yourself with what you really, truly want. ‘We start with desire, so we know what the power is for,’ says Urbaniak. According to her, we have no choice in our desires, so you should embrace them freely, and without judgement. ‘Keep a notebook with you, or create a note on your phone,’ she suggests. ‘As you move through your day, log anything and everything that you would like to have. Your entries can be huge: a phenomenal life purpose, enormous wealth, a baby. Or, a pair of fuzzy slippers or coconut ice cream.’ Over time, your desires will become refined. For now, document them with a sense of freedom.
STEP 2 Let go of ideas of ‘deserving’. One thing that holds us back from accessing our desires is feeling that we don’t deserve to have them. But, asks Urbaniak, is anyone actually deserving of anything? ‘That’s a guess about an outside measure related to your worth and value in relation to your desire,’ she says. ‘It’s rather arbitrary.’
STEP 3 Remember that ‘selfish’ and ‘selfless’ aren’t mutually exclusive. There’s a common misconception, especially among women, that prioritising your desires makes you selfish. ‘The thing you want to pour your heart into most is likely to be the contribution the planet actually needs,’ says Urbaniak. And if you benefit the world around you, isn’t that selfless?
STEP 4 Be open to receiving. When colleagues and friends offer to help, do you ever say ‘no’ without thinking? This self-sabotage is something Urbaniak has noticed often in her classes. ‘But the more you get in touch with your desires, the more you will be ready to receive,’ she says.
EMPATHY IS YOUR SUPERPOWER
If you’re too attuned to the emotions of others, then you have no way of asserting power or influence, right? Actually, Urbaniak says the opposite is true. ‘Empathy is the wisdom of understanding how other people feel and knowing what’s going on beneath the surface,’ she says. ‘It’s an incredible powerhouse of influence. It’s not a “soft skill”. You can use empathy to create the kind of influence to get someone on board with your desire wholeheartedly.’ For instance, you want to take on more responsibility at work and you know your boss is stressed and overwhelmed – you can explain how much this would make their life easier. ‘It’s loving, caring and selfish all at the same time,’ says Urbaniak.
LESSON 2 ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT
STEP 1 Get comfortable with asking. According to Urbaniak, many women default to complaining, instead of simply asking for what they want. It’s easier to say ‘you never buy me flowers’ than to ask for a bouquet. Why? It all comes back to the ‘good girl conditioning’ – the requirement that women be low-maintenance and modest – not to mention the ‘smush’: the fear of being too much (‘They’ll think I’m bossy’) or too little (‘They’ll think I’m needy’). When preparing for an ask, whether it’s a pay rise or a holiday, practice asking in the most extreme ways possible. ‘If you’re afraid of being needy, get in front of the mirror and go as needy as you can,’ she suggests. Let your voice go whiny and beg for it. Then, try the opposite. ‘Pretend you’re a tyrant or a dictator, saying things like, “Do you realise how lucky you are to serve me?”’ suggests Urbaniak. It might seem silly, but leaning into those fears can help you break the ‘smush’. ‘Once you feel your worst nightmare, that energy releases so you can be present in a new way,’ she says.
STEP 2 Let go of ‘I shouldn’t have to ask’. This might be true, especially in heterosexual relationships, but work through that resentment. ‘The truth is, we’re constantly training people,’ says Urbaniak. ‘If you stop picking up your phone before noon, people will stop calling you before noon. If you want something, it will require work on your part.’
STEP 3 Direct your attention out. Urbaniak explains that, in a conversation, there’s always someone who is dominant (directing their attention outward and posing questions) and someone who is submissive (directing their attention inward, reflecting and listening). In the best conversations, you’d swap between these two states, like a good game of tennis. If you’re asking for something, you should, in theory, be dominant in that moment. But there’s a problem: if you feel self-conscious or nervous about asking a question, you’re more likely to turn inward into that submissive state. ‘If resistance comes up, women often contract very quickly, putting the attention back on themselves,’ explains Urbaniak. ‘But then the person they’re asking feels dropped. If you keep your attention on them, they feel held.’
STEP 4 Don’t be afraid of ‘no’. ‘If someone says “no”, it’s because their “no” is protecting something they care about, such as their vanity, time or fear,’ says Urbaniak. ‘Hold someone in your attention after they’ve said “no”, she says. ‘Ask, “How do you feel about me asking you that?” If you can get to the tender spot that the “no” is protecting, you’ll have the beginning of a far superior conversation, collaboration and influence in future.’
‘ONCE ANGER HAS SPACE TO BREATHE, YOU’LL SEE WHAT YOU’RE FIGHTING FOR’
LESSON 3 COMBAT ‘THE FREEZE’
STEP 1 Release your rage. If certain people, or particular conversation topics, make you freeze and stutter, this could be because you’re so blocked up with anger. ‘The build-up of rage can make a woman very afraid of exploding beyond reason,’ says Urbaniak. She recommends writing a list of ‘things unsaid’. ‘Think of times you didn’t say “no”, and times you didn’t call someone an idiot – it can be serious or petty,’ she suggests. Once you have your list, let it all out with a friend or in front of a mirror. Let yourself be angry and loud. ‘Once that anger is approved of, once it has space to breathe, you become a wonderful goddess,’ says Urbaniak. ‘You release all this vitality, you provide clarity, and you start seeing what you’re fighting for, rather than what you’re fighting against. This will make it a lot easier to direct your attention fully on someone who is dominating or mansplaining, and flip the dynamic.’
STEP 2 Ask a question. Urbaniak has a very simple trick for reclaiming control of a conversation. ‘The next time you find yourself speechless and on the spot, opening and closing your mouth like a goldfish without the slightest idea of what to do or say next, ask a question,’ she suggests. It can be related to the conversation (‘Why do you feel that way?’) or completely random (‘Where did you get that tie?’) Either way, she says, ‘Asking a question reverses the flow of attention, and control over the flow of attention is power.’