ASK PHILIPPA

A reader is haunted by past work setbacks. Dare not to have all the answers in life, or in your new job, advises psychotherapist and Red’s agony aunt Philippa Perry

Our agony aunt shares her advice

Q Recently, I’ve been experiencing flashbacks. Thinking about the ebbs and flows of my working life, and the impact negative experiences have had on me. I have been knocked back repeatedly. I know I’m an overthinker and that there will always be setbacks and people who won’t like me, but how do I make peace with that? I feel I’m a nice person and that I haven’t deserved this. In the past, I have sought therapy and we have discussed my ‘blind spots’ and how certain things I do can rub people up the wrong way. I am about to move to a new job and I’m worried about this cycle repeating itself with my new colleagues. The role will also mean I am prone to burnout, and I need to put some stress management strategies in place. Before lockdown, I used to swim and it seemed to help me stay centred and more grounded. Do you have any other suggestions for how I can do this?

A I have read your question a few times and something about it made me feel unsettled. Flashbacks – when an extremely stressful situation plays out again as though it is happening in the present – can be horrible. From what you say, I am not sure if you are having flashbacks or dwelling on unpleasant memories. You’re saying you are ‘knocked back repeatedly’, which sounds like whatever you do and wherever you go, the same thing happens. It seems like you have tried to get to the bottom of this in therapy, tried to uncover your blind spots, realised that sometimes you ‘rub people up the wrong way’, but still not really discovered why they seem to turn against you. As it is all still a bit of a puzzle, naturally you are nervous about it happening again in the new job.

Then we get to the bit that makes me feel uneasy. You ask me for more stress-busting strategies. Then you tell me your stress-busting strategy is swimming, which you have not been able to do recently. It’s almost as though you are trying to offer me a way out of answering the dilemma, spoon-feeding me to say, ‘Try running or an outdoor gym’. You also say you overthink, and then pre-empt what I might say, by saying it doesn’t help you. Why should these two things not sit comfortably with me? I think it is because by answering your own question, it feels as though you cannot ask for help unless you believe you already know the answer. It seems to me that you want to control both sides of our conversation – but no one likes to feel they are being controlled. I may be wrong, and I’m sure you don’t intend to come over like this, but if I’m getting that feeling, others may, too, and it may be a contributing factor to your difficult work relationships. I think what would help with the stress would be if you let go of this control. If you dared to leave space for other people to speak, if you gave yourself permission not to have to know everything, and could learn to rely on others. At the moment, I would guess that you are stuck because you unconsciously believe you have to know everything, and that’s exhausting.

In your new job, allow yourself to ask what things mean, allow yourself a break from stress by not pre-empting all the answers. And give yourself a break from overthinking by asking about meanings that seem unclear – you can work things out with other people; most people are trustworthy. As I learned on a Mcdonald’s management training course (yes, I flipped burgers once), when you assume ‘U make an ASS of U and ME’. Showing your uncertainty isn’t a weakness, but demonstrates that you are prepared to listen to other people and have a genuine exchange of ideas.