ASK PHILIPPA

A reader is worried that her rigid right-or-wrong style is damaging her family. Step back and let them lead, advises psychotherapist and Red’s agony aunt Philippa Perry

Our agony aunt

Q I have built up a successful multi-national business and have always been goal orientated. I’m good at details as well as the big picture, but I don’t seem to be able to transfer my skills to my home life. As my nine-year-old daughter grows older we seem to miscommunicate more and more. Trying to get her to finish a meal, take a bath, go to bed or practise the instrument she asked to learn often ends in an argument. I’m worried that, as a high-achiever, I am setting her up for failure. I know the problem is mine and not hers, because I’ve already done it to my lovely husband. My standards for everything, from folding clothes to planning a holiday, are so specific he’s given up trying to meet them. I am mortified to think the same is happening to our daughter. These are standards I apply to myself and everyone else, from work colleagues to family. If they fail to meet them, they are judged by me. I know I do this, yet I cannot imagine how to do things differently.

A I think why you find it so difficult to be less hands-on, less ‘the one who is right’ and less of a micro-manager is because you are successful. You have got where you are today by having your high standards, and you take satisfaction from your efficiency and achievements. You love your husband and daughter and you want them to be happy. You have an inkling that your way of expanding your own capacity for happiness is not theirs, but you cannot imagine another way.

You recognise yourself as judgemental, which is fantastic, because if we don’t know what we are doing, then it is impossible to change it. Being aware is the first step. You are a strict judge of yourself and others, which has worked for you, but I don’t think it is working for them.

Firstly, keep on developing that observer part of yourself. Notice when you are feeling judgemental and decide not to act on it. You will not stop having urges to micro-manage because, unconsciously, you believe that unless things are done your way, failure lies ahead. Your ways are very good, but your daughter’s ways and your husband’s ways are good enough, too. You say you don’t know how to do things differently – that’s okay. Ask your family to show you. They know how to do things differently, they can help.

You will have lots of feelings about this change. Feel them, but don’t act on them. Let go of being the one who is always right. Instead of arguing with your daughter, listen to her. We learn to listen to others when we are listened to. So really listen and observe, but without probing.

Rather than being a rocket launcher thrusting your daughter into a very precise direction, be a sofa instead – somewhere for her to come back to, sit on and be listened to. Let go of your agenda for her. This is easier said than done, but it helps another human more than prescriptive advice. Someone that believes in you doesn’t micro-manage you, they encourage. They don’t say, ‘be careful, you’ll fall,’ they say something like, ‘You can experiment to find your path, I believe in you.’

The arguments you are having are because she has picked up on your style and rigidity, and she’s using that to fight for her autonomy. Try to say something such as, ‘I’ve been too hands-on, I need to let you make decisions for yourself, but I may need your help to back off a bit. I need to learn that it’s okay to change your mind, like you did with learning an instrument.’

I am moved by your wanting to make changes. I know you can do this. Good luck.