ASK PHILIPPA Red’s agony aunt shares her advice

A reader is finding it difficult to cope right now. Enjoy a bit of a rebellion and put yourself first, says Philippa Perry, psychotherapist and Red’s agony aunt

Q I have begun doubting myself constantly – both at work and at home – and feel on the edge of tears pretty much all the time. Like many people, I have had a lot of grief and uncertainty in my life over the past 12 months. I lost my brother and

I am trying to work while looking after my mum, who has dementia and has come to live with us. I think of myself as someone who is usually resilient and able to see the positives in my life (great partner, kids, my health, a nice house, enough money, interesting job, for which I am grateful), but I feel as if I am constantly about to be overwhelmed by my emotions. A minor disagreement with one of the kids feels like it will push me over the edge. Even when someone is gently making a joke at my expense I can’t handle it. It all just feels too much. I feel like I’m not doing anything well – but, then, another part of me thinks what does it matter anyway because everything is such a mess right now.

I usually like myself and know I am doing the best I can as a daughter, mother, partner, friend, and work colleague, but that belief in myself has deserted me. Will I ever get that and some emotional equilibrium back?

A Yes, you will get it back. Feelings can be very inconvenient but we ignore them at our peril. Think of them as your employees. They are reporting a situation to you and if you don’t take account of them and make a change in the business that is your life, you are risking something snapping. For the moment, you are keeping it all together – but the reserves are running out. You need to listen to those feelings and put something back in the tank somehow.

I can just imagine you at home, doing a busy job that used to be done in an office, and with far less support than you used to have from colleagues – those water-cooler moments have just disappeared. You are carrying the grief of losing a sibling and although you see your mother daily, really you have lost her, too, to dementia. That is so much loss all at once. And the lovely partner and the kids, they probably want as much from you as they ever did. It is overwhelming.

You have so many hats to wear: worker, daughter, mother, partner, friend and I’m also sensing a strong sense of duty in you. You want to do your best in each of these roles. But there is a role you have missed out. Just being you. You in relationship to you. Not in relationship to all these plates you keep spinning so well and so beautifully. The feelings know this, they are saying, ‘Pressure build-up on the mothership. Release tear duct valve immediately. Tell her she’s no good at plate-spinning.’

In normal circumstances I would say drop everything and go on a yoga retreat on a Greek Island for a fortnight – but with the pandemic that’s difficult to manage. So it’s an emergency family meeting that’s needed instead: not only the physical tasks need taking over, the emotional load, the remembering of what needs to be done every day, that needs taking over, too. Husband and kids must step up. You need massaging daily from your partner. You need to be taken care of like an invalid before you become one. You need to grieve. And you need to give yourself a daily hug and say, it’s okay, healing will come. I can let go of all these plates for a couple of weeks. Maybe a couple of weeks of sick leave, too.

I’m not sure you will manage this family meeting – it may feel like one more task. But lower your standards, ask people to pick up the slack, let yourself cry. Enjoy a bit of a rebellion.