HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD MAKE FRIENDS Tips on overcoming social challenges
For Sarah Ivens, watching her son struggle socially brought back playground memories. But with the help of parenting expert Caroline Maguire, she found a way to make positive steps forward for them both
The minute I saw my son break free from the crowd of laughing children, with a wobbly lipped attempt at bravery, I knew something was very wrong. My usually happy-go-lucky seven-year-old looked like he’d burst into tears. Ushering him towards me, I knelt down and asked what was wrong. ‘There’s a party on Saturday,’ he mumbled. ‘It’s Noah’s birthday. But I haven’t been invited. He says he doesn’t want me there.’ As his face crumpled, I was swept back to a cloudy Friday in an East End playground when I was the same age, as the girls around me gleefully discussed Nicola’s party – the one I hadn’t been invited to. I realised that the struggle I went through – feeling unpopular and ignored – was something he was having to deal with, too, and I felt helpless.
Later, William tucked up in bed, I was desperate for ideas on how to help him handle his shyness and socialise better. But, painfully, I also realised I probably wasn’t the best person: I might bring my own trauma to the situation. I didn’t find it easy to make friends, and I remember being hampered by soul-crushing self-doubt. The last thing I wanted was to bring my own emotional baggage to my son’s life, or project my fears on to him.
Honestly accepting my limits as a friendship navigator, I started searching for advice and found a book and online course by parenting expert Caroline Maguire, called Why Will No One Play With Me? In it, she offered ideas for children who struggle to build connections, called the Play Better Plan. Digging through her website, I was relieved to see she had a clear guide for parents to help their child through the turmoil of pre-teen friendships, with practical tools that we could start practising straight away.
SOCIAL SLEUTHING
The first thing we tried was Maguire’s suggestion of taking your child to a busy public place like a park and playing the spy game, encouraging them to watch other kids interact with each other. What looks good? What emotions are displayed? William and I tried this the following Saturday. We watched a group of eight- or nine-year-old girls whirl each other around on a tyre swing, until the clear leader informed another girl there was no room for her and she had to go away. My son and I waited for one of the other kids to argue, or for the girl to stand up for herself. They didn’t; she didn’t. The left-out child moved on to the slide alone, clearly hurting. ‘I’d never do that, Mum,’ William said, as we looked on sadly. ‘I can imagine how she feels.’ This moment taught him about empathy, fairness and kindness, and I was amazed when he went over and asked if she wanted to play. She did! What a boost to us both. This exercise was powerful in its simplicity and one I have repeated every so often when we’re at the park, just the two of us. It’s taught William to understand how people interact in different ways – and that trusting his gut instinct for right or wrong, alone or in a group, can really help him adapt to tricky circumstances and help someone out.
THE POST-PLAY DATE HUDDLE
Next up, after a birthday party or a play date with a new friend, Maguire advises parents to informally and calmly talk to their child about what they’d seen and how they’d felt. William and I began having these chats in the car on the way home from social events. I wouldn’t pass judgment, just casually talk about what he wanted to do more or less of. During one of these post-date car journeys, William told me that he and his friend had been happily building Lego, when his friend saw the airplane he’d made and smashed it. ‘He said it was rubbish, and then ran into his brother’s room and wouldn’t let me in.’ I had wondered why William was in the kitchen with the mum when I’d arrived. ‘What can we do?’ I asked. ‘Oh, nothing,’ came his reply, ‘I just wanted you to know in case he comes to our house and he makes a mess of my toys.’ We talked about being adaptive and
‘THIS EXERCISE WAS POWERFUL IN ITS SIMPLICITY AND ONE I HAVE REPEATED’
diplomatic, and I encouraged him to remember that everyone is going through different things. ‘You can forgive friends having a tough day, as long as it doesn’t become a regular occurrence,’ I said, and he agreed.
REFLECTIVE LEARNING
This was probably the most useful lesson of all. When a problem is shared, the parent paraphrases back to the child what they have just said, allowing both the time and space to think and talk through concerns. Not only does this help clarify the problem, says Maguire, but it teaches the child how to listen, how to engage, how to be curious – all good skills when making friends – and it boosts their comfort in opening up. From the moment I read this, I made more of an effort to listen, rather than fobbing off questions as I made dinner or sent a work email. Now when William says, ‘Mum, can I tell you something?’ I actively listen, then repeat what he’s said back to him and ask questions. I make eye contact and put down my phone. Building this physical and verbal bond made it easier for him to come to me, knowing he will be heard, supported and believed, and that we can come up with solutions to friendship niggles together.
WALK IN THEIR SHOES
The final thing I got from Maguire was her idea that a parent should push their own past issues to one side and focus on the child. She urges parents to get their own emotions in check (she suggests meditation, exercise, or hiding in the bathroom until you feel calm) so you are balanced enough to be there for your worried child, and offer solutions and empathy rather than drama. This reminded me to be a steady presence for William, not push the deep-seated fears from my own childhood on to him. Any issue William had was his, not mine, and I was there to help him, not work through my past. This lesson forced me to look at William’s hurdles in a measured way. For instance, when he dropped into conversation that he needed to see a particular film because the other boys in his class had seen it already, and he felt silly not knowing about it, instead of being negative or defensive – my old standpoint – I took a few deep breaths and thought about a solution. Yes, we’d watch the movie. And he could invite a friend over to see it with him if he wanted. He was thrilled and asked me to immediately text the mother of a new boy in his class who he really liked.
LESSONS LEARNED
My son and I both emerged from this course in friendship feeling safer and stronger; not cured of friendship drama but more accepting of it and adaptable to it. My anxiety picking him up after school, waiting to hear how his day has gone, has lessened. But as Maguire reminds us, this isn’t about me. It’s about him. The important thing is that William can now explain his social interactions rather than going silent or dissolving into tears. He knows I’ll listen and try to understand, and our work means he understands his peers a bit better. Even his once-nemesis Noah has noticed. ‘He’s all right, I think he just wants to be the most important kid in class, because his older sister makes him feel silly at home,’ William said a few weeks ago, when I raised an eyebrow after Noah sought him out at the park to say goodbye. ‘I feel bad for him. He’s my friend.’