ASK PHILIPPA
Our agony aunt
A reader’s ex has turned the children against him. Try to see it from her point of view, too, says psychotherapist and Red’s agony aunt, Philippa Perry
Q My ex and I had been in a loveless marriage when, unexpectedly, I met someone else. We’ve now been together happily for the past 20 years. During that time, I have paid all of my ex’s household expenses and mortgage repayments, even though she has a well-paid career. When our children left home, I suggested reducing my contribution and she retorted that she did not think I would take the roof from over her head, and that she would turn the children against me. This is just what she has done, even though I have paid off the mortgage.
For years now I have been ghosted by my grown-up children, and I don’t see my four grandchildren. I have never been thanked for paying for everything; housing, their education, or even for presents I send them and the grandchildren. My now wife, Joan, and I live in rented accommodation as my ex refuses to move out and halve the proceeds of the house I have bought. We are very happy day-to-day, but I feel down and angry about the situation with my children. It’s hard to think that I might not see them or my grandchildren again. Do I reach out once more and subject myself to more pain, or should I just concentrate on the present?
A When you are left by a partner, however badly you might have got on, it is usual to feel humiliated, insecure and shocked. However unsatisfactory domestic life might have been, the rug is still pulled out from under your feet. You feel done-to, deserted, dumped. What people tend to do is try to compensate for those feelings by getting as much money as they can, maybe for revenge but most probably to try to feel secure again. I’m saying this so that you can understand it from your ex-wife’s point a view. Although I’m not saying she should have put you down in front of the children – it is harmful to put kids in a position of having to choose between their parents. You know that if you wanted to, you could go to court and get some money from the house, now that the children are grown up? But maybe you might have something to lose if you did that?
I think if you can tell the story in a different way that doesn’t make your ex into a bad person, but a hurt person, then you can get unstuck. There has certainly been a rupture in your relationship with your ex and your children, and the way to take a step towards repairing this would be not to dwell on how ungrateful they all are, but to see it from their point of view and to communicate that. Your children felt for their mother; they may have even felt abandoned themselves. You can let your children know that you love them, that you are very proud of them, and that you will always be there for them.
When I was in therapy, my therapist suggested that any time resentment (with its unwinnable arguments) started to swirl around in my head, I should visualise putting all those thoughts into a helium balloon and let go, then watch them float away. It would do no harm to try this. Because you are living a nice life. You have your Joan and, it may not feel that they are on-side at the moment, but you have your children, too.
You may not be able to win anyone round to see things from your point of view, but you certainly never will if you don’t see things from theirs. Even if this situation remains stuck in stalemate, treasure everything and everyone. Enjoy your daily pleasures and routines and let go of that helium balloon. For more information, my radio documentary, When Parents Split at bbc.co.uk/programmes/ m00051dz, may also help.