See clearer

to discover that strength comes not through acceptance from others but through acceptance of themselves.

BRIDGE Blind spot POWER

Bridges come across as friendly and unassuming, always seeking collaborative and harmonious connections, but their primary blind spot is a perceived lack of power that can leave them open to exploitation. Often introverted and sometimes quiet, they are usually happy to go with the flow, believing the safest option is to accept things rather than risk conflict by pushing for change, even when their suggestions would have been valued.

The Bridge might have grown up with a parent who did all their thinking for them, or perhaps they became a master of appeasing others and defusing tension to survive in a chaotic environment. Either way, they take comfort in the misjudged idea that they have no control, and give up when things get tough. Nothing is going to change, so what’s the point?

The Bridge’s passivity can mean they unfairly leave others with the responsibility for reading their mind or making decisions. They can outsource their happiness to third parties, blindly hoping for a good outcome without taking steps to influence it. This lack of agency can leave them feeling lost, confused and unfulfilled when they don’t end up where they wanted to be, whether that’s in the wrong house, career or friendship group.

Bridges tend to believe, ‘It’s me, not them,’ without realising that nobody is solely responsible for any success or failure. They will take their mind off their feelings instead of confronting them. They will keep busy and may indulge in numbing behaviours like overexercising or comfort eating, leaving the problem to get bigger while they’re looking the other way.

The Bridge will come to therapy facing an identity crisis and complaining about being treated like a doormat, having never questioned why they’re lying down.

Ask yourself: ‘Is it me that’s not okay, or is there something about this that’s not okay?’ Bridges are so quick to see everything as their own shortcoming that they don’t pause to acknowledge an expectation as unfair or a deadline as unreasonable. Most of the time, your contribution to a situation is more minimal than you believe. This doesn’t mean you don’t need to own your share of the responsibility. Just make sure that the accounting is accurate, because no amount of guilt or self-loathing can repair a problem that was not of your making – or at least all yours to solve.

Bridges struggle with imposter syndrome. To overcome this, call it what it is. Next time you find yourself feeling like you don’t belong, aren’t good enough or that everyone else is better than you, try saying to yourself: ‘I am having imposter thoughts.’ Thoughts are not the same as facts, so what you’re doing here is questioning their validity.

Next, look for alternative realities – that you are already good enough, or that everyone has to start somewhere. When you’re with others, check out your pluralistic ignorance – the mistaken belief that the majority of others hold a different opinion to you. You can say something like, ‘Is anyone else not quite getting this?’

Merely sharing your observations with someone else can reassure you that you’re not the odd one out.

What Am I Missing? (Penguin Life) by Emma Reed Turrell is out on 4th April