Control! Control! Control!

Last issue, I spoke about joysticks. You knew where you were with a joystick. It’s a simple piece of equipment. Nothing unnecessary there at all. A kid picking up a joystick knows instinctively what to do with the flippin’ thing.

I lost my radio gig the other week, and to try and cheer myself up, I dug out my N64. It’s been sitting untouched on a shelf ever since I bought it years ago. I dusted it off, plugged it in, and away I went.

Except, and please don’t laugh, I could not remember how to hold the controller! I hadn’t played on one of these beasts for a very long time, and it just would not sit in my hand. I spent a few minutes switching it from left to right, trying all kinds of configurations. No, it just would not fit, for want of a better word. I put it down and closed my eyes.

I bought my first N64 when I got a job on the telly hosting The 11 O’clock Show. I’d gone from signing on for years to getting a cheque for several thousand pounds. I didn’t know what to do with all this money! I literally didn’t know what to do with it as I saved not one penny for tax, but that’s a story for HMRC – which did eventually get paid, I promise! Going from ‘no money’ to ‘comparatively lots of’ initially threw me and I was hesitant to spend it. The first thing I got was a real object of decadence, the N64. It was a luxury because I already had a Playstation. Two consoles? No, no, no! Surely only kings and rock stars can live like that? Not ordinary people like me.

I tried to remember when I bought it. In my mind, I went back to that dingy flat in North London that I shared with Mackenzie Crook, and was owned by a very dodgy gentleman who claimed he was good friends with Brad Pitt and insisted we paid the rent in cash, to see if I could picture having difficulty with the controller back then. And no, I couldn’t remember any issue. So what was the problem now?

And here’s where I suspect I will have to hand in my Retro Gamer membership card (all writers get one, made of platinum no less!). I had to watch a Youtube video on how to hold the controller. Let that sink in for a second. A 47-year-old man, already feeling humiliated for losing his job, now has to sink to the new low of watching an instructional video on how to hold a toy. Once it was explained, it made a kind of sense. I vowed never to tell anyone of my shame (shh, let’s keep this between us) and proceeded to play Perfect Dark. I’m afraid I only lasted about 20 minutes because I got terribly queasy from motion sickness and had to stop. I decided then I’d had enough with Nintendo and instead got out my original Xbox and played From Russia With Love, which is a pretty decent game. Now there’s a controller I can understand!

I spent a few minutes switching it from left to right, trying all kinds of configurations. No, it just would not fit for want of a better word