LIFE IN MY NORTHERN TOWN

I HAVE been reading with interest the letters written by our resident peacenik Philip Gilligan over the last few months.

Well, when I say interest, I mean I laughed like a panda.

Don’t get me wrong – he and Mr Salim have had me in stitches on many occasions and they should be encouraged in their comedy writing.

However, I must take issue with his stance on world peace.

I am afraid that, just like a cut in a councillor’s salary, it’s not going to happen.

The way I see it, if I was approached down a dark alley by a loony wielding a baseball bat and wanting to separate me from my Katyushas, the last thing I would want to do is hang around and have a cosy chat with him.

What I would prefer is a bigger bat.

Or a big bloke by my side with a big bat.

I would rather have an array of missiles, rocket launchers, tanks, sabre-tooth tigers and blokes with guns wearing steel helmets with bits of privet stuck in them, facing whatever was coming my way, rather than some bearded weirdo holding a peace sign and a flower and dressed in a t shirt with ‘Free Hugs’ on it wanting to sit down and share some decaf coffee and hummus and try and negotiate how many of us are going to end up impaled on the end of a pole.

And like all Miss Worlds before me, I too would like nothing more than world peace. But I am too much of a realist to realise that it is not going to happen.

Not everyone is the huggy type and people have a tendency to argue and not get on.

It’s the same the world over and it will never end.

Sorry. Don’t mean to widdle all over your organic strawberries but it has been like that ever since Cain poked Abel in the eye with a poker.

Personally, I have no qualms about how many nuclear submarines and missiles we have.

In fact the more the merrier if it keeps the fanatics at bay - the only exception would be to insist on having one aimed at the planning offices.

We live in frightening times I am afraid and I, for one, am all for whatever deterrent is available – and the bigger and pointier the better.

Sorry, Mr Gilligan.