Setting boundaries may be hard, but it’s worth it
Do you find it impossible to set boundaries or say no, without providing a lengthy grovelling explanation?
“When we over-explain, we’re often trying to justify that it’s OK to have our own needs,” says life coach Franziska Cecchetti-Pretsch.
“And then it’s wanting the acceptance of the other people too – do you see my needs and why I’m doing this? And often they don’t – this is the problem. We’re trying to explain it, but they have their own opinion anyway.”
Allowing ‘their opinion’ more sway than our own might mean we frequently end up doing things we don’t really want, work way too many hours, and let our own self-care and wishes slide to the bottom of the pile.
“We do blame ourselves for not being better able to set boundaries or say no,” says Franziska. “But there are so many hidden dynamics going on that keep us in the plane we’re in.”
Where does it come from?
Those ‘hidden dynamics’ run deep and often stem from childhood and early relationships.
Franziska, who has a background in social work and extensive experience around family dynamics, believes much of the “overexplanation of boundaries is rooted in how we grew up”.
As children, pleasing our guardians is vital for survival; we instinctively internalise what this means in terms of what’s required of us to stay bonded and safe.
“So, if you think of a child setting boundaries or communicating their needs, first of all, this can be very tricky inside – triggering a sense of fear that we no longer belong,” says Franziska.
“And unfortunately, as children, we don’t always have adults around us who accept that, or really work with us when we’re setting boundaries as children.”
Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide To
Reclaiming Yourself (Little Brown, £14.99; nedratawwab. com), agrees patterns learned in childhood are huge.
“In some families, boundaries are not allowed – you can’t feel safe having boundaries. Some adults will tell you your opinion doesn’t matter, you’re a child and basically have to listen and do whatever I say.”
Why am I so stuck?
As Nedra notes, we can develop “a loyalty to dysfunctional systems, whether that’s family, a job, a friendship. But that loyalty to dysfunction causes lots of anxiety, depression and stressrelated issues that boundaries could correct”.
Franziska points out we can get “addicted to a certain amount of stress and busyness” too: “Then if you suddenly have less, you can feel incredibly guilty and your body goes into a weird state, where it can’t actually relax.”
It can also trigger guilt and discomfort if honouring a boundary threatens your identity in some way.
“We bring a whole set of things we’ve learned, patterns we’re unconsciously following,” says Franziska.
The ‘helper’ identity is a big one. “If you’re somebody who identifies as always helping other people and always giving, if you then say no, you can feel incredibly wrong.”
Over-explaining might also be a sign we’re leaving it too late before expressing our needs. Burnout is preventable – but only if we take steps to prevent it, and that’s a collective responsibility. What if we tried just saying: ‘I’m at capacity right now’, or, ‘I really need to rest, I’ll catch up with you next week’, or, ‘Thanks so much but this one’s a no from me!’
The more you practise, the easier it gets
Nedra says: “The way we become comfortable with anything is practising it.
“The first time you play tennis is going to feel awkward, until you continue and get the hang of it – it’s the same with boundaries.
“The more you practise, the better you become, the easier it gets.”