Tonky Talk
Paul is accosted!
Ifear this is, yet again, going to be a bit of a rant. I’ll keep it as upbeat as I can, but I must confess to feelings of exasperation. At the time of writing, it’s late September and the demonisation of the runner continues. I now take it as read that as I weave around the woods and parks of north London, I’ll get the odd accusatory look, as if my very existence is an assault on public decency. And this has now extended to the banning of runners from spaces themselves. It was a fairly peaceful Wednesday as I set off for a longish slow run. Merrily picking my way through a familiar canvas of trails and canal paths, I ran to a local wildlife spot – a reservoir wetlands area, beloved of nature enthusiasts and runners alike. The plan was to circumnavigate the park, as I’ve been doing for years, and then carry on with my midweek peaceful loop.
But at the entrance to the reservoir was a sign: NO RUNNING OR JOGGING. The explanation was that the activities disturbed wildlife and made social distancing impossible. Now, this sign was there to stop me running around the reservoir, but maybe because it was such a surprise, I just carried on. I’m also a bit of a contrary old so-and-so and I just thought, let’s see what happens…
After 50 metres, I came upon a small group of conservationists, friends of the trust. They were tending to some vegetation and I wish them all the best. My presence disturbed them greatly: ‘Excuse me!’ they cried. ‘You can’t run here!’ they protested. The comments intensified in both volume and vituperation as I continued running. This was a provocative move, I admit, and it led to one woman screaming ‘Bat!’ in my direction. (Or, at least, it rhymed with bat.)
I made my way round the reservoir, keeping my distance from walkers, making space for the laughing children and people on their mobiles. As I approached the cafe area, I was faced with a very gentle, young Irish lad who had received radio instructions to quell my one-man running rebellion. ‘You can’t run here,’ he said.
I’m a reasonable man, so I asked why. He responded that, as the sign said, it disturbed the wildlife and made social distancing impossible. I pointed out that the social-distancing argument was nonsense, as people were allowed to run all over London in many places less spacious than this lovely reservoir. He conceded the point and said members of the trust thought it disturbed the wildlife. I gently countered that children were noisily playing by the edges of the reservoir, while people were shouting into their mobile phones. I also mentioned that the cafe was noisy, and it also hosted wedding receptions and birthday parties, with music and the sounds of revelry continuing long into the night.
It was at this point that the young lad realised he was facing a master of logic. He admitted the new directives were pretty nonsensical, but it was still his job to enforce them. Being a gentlemen, I continued on my way at walking pace. I’ve no desire to lose someone their job, or even really cause trouble. But it saddened me. It felt arbitrary and unfair. Runnerist, if you like.
Since reservoir-gate, I’ve had a few people make the point that we do have lots of areas to run in, but that isn’t really the issue. The issue is – and I know this sounds old-fashioned – one of freedom. Runners of all types found peace down by the reservoir, but no more. And it hints that some latent hostility to runners is now being legitimised. I’d prefer if the sign were more honest: NO RUNNERS BECAUSE WE DON’T LIKE THEM, as opposed to this soul-crushing acquiescence to administrative double-speak.
The answer, of course, is to run on respectfully. Let’s not waste a second pondering the intentions of those who would use spurious logic to deny others their basic freedoms. Not disturbing the wildlife! I’ve said it before but it’s a point worth restating – runners are wildlife. But at the moment, ironically, it feels like we might need protected-species status.
Paul is a stand-up comedian and co-host of the Running Commentary podcast. His book 26.2 Miles to Happiness is out now.