I miss the man Bill was ... but I am starting to love the man he is
Anne says dementia may have robbed her partner of many things, but she’s by his side laughing, singing and caring
Lanarkshire woman Anne Paul misses the man Bill Keith was: his passion for fine food and wines, his love of literature and writing poetry, and the wanderlust they shared on their travels around the world.
Dementia may have robbed Bill of many of the qualities that made Anne fall in love with him.
But, rather than grieve for the man he was, Anne’s love is growing for the man he is.
A 30-year friendship turned to romance for Anne and Bill when they both found themselves on their own, bereft.
Bill’s wife, Margaret, died in 1997, with Anne’s husband, Ian, losing his cancer battle seven years later.
When, in 2005, Bill was admitted to hospital with a heart condition, friend Anne suggested he stay with her to convalesce.
The loving couple have been together ever since.
“I was married to Ian for over 40 years, but when I got together with Bill, it was a different style of life,” said Anne, who is session clerk at Gilmore and Whitehill Parish Church in Burnbank, Hamilton.
“We did not have any of the strains of not having much money and the naivety of youth. I worked as a personnel officer and had a good job and no money problems. Our life was like a holiday. We had a great life together.”
In 2012, when retired TV engineer Bill was aged 75, he began to show signs of forgetfulness, and Anne would playfully mock him about his tendency to lose his keys.
But others were beginning to notice his failing memory.
On the advice of her sister, Anne raised concerns with Bill’s GP, who referred him to Udston Hospital in Hamilton. It was there he was diagnosed with vascular dementia.
“We managed absolutely fine. It was not too bad to start with,” said Anne, who decided to take charge of keys and cash, which he frequently misplaced.
Within four years of his diagnosis, a 79-year-old Bill was becoming more dependant. Although still capable of washing and dressing himself, Anne had to accompany him to the toilet.
A bout of pneumonia and a spell in hospital had a drastic effect on his dementia symptoms, and he began to rely on his partner Anne even more.
But she says the journey began to go downhill when he was struck by pneumonia for a second time.
“We still managed to go to church and still went out for lovely meals,” said Anne, whose dapper partner’s knowledge of fine wines rivalled that of a sommelier.
“However, my life changed a lot. I used to sing, go out and entertain people. But I could not leave Bill. It changed from being a glamorous lifestyle to one of somebody being totally dependant on me.
“Luckily, I have the type of temperament that can handle it. I really don’t know what would have happened, otherwise.”
Never did Anne leave home without Bill, not even for a trip to her hairdresser. So, for the best part of two years, Bill’s barber cut both his hair and hers.
Blessed with a support network of great friends, church elder Anna Lyon and her daughter-inlaw Leigh-Ann – who is a mental health nurse at Udston Hospital’s elderly care unit – asked Anne if she’d join them in starting the Memories Tea Room within the church for people living with dementia and their carers.
There, Anne and Bill would sing and dance, and he adored the theme days – an imaginary trip to the coast, with seaside cut-out boards and even a visit from an ice cream van at which they queued for a cone.
They’d continue to dress up for the special occasions they loved.
But just as the taxi was about to arrive at their Burnbank home, Bill would soil himself and Anne would have to send the taxi away until she’d washed him and changed his clothes.
The professional in Leigh-Ann began to recognise that Anne needed help, both practically and emotionally. “I wasn’t at all aware of it,” said Anne. “I thought I was doing really well. Carers started coming in for 20 minutes in the morning to attend to Bill’s personal care. He was not happy.
“Then, he started going to day care one day a week from 9am to 3pm. He hated it because he was away from me. It was supposed to give me time to myself. I never really took the time, to tell the honest truth.”
When Bill – who had lost his ability to use a knife and fork – was admitted to hospital in August 2019 following a mild stroke, an assessment confirmed he was in need of nursing care and Anne began her search for a suitable care home.
“I went to every nursing home I could possibly come across. Lots of them were lovely but, to me, they didn’t have the right feel for Bill,” she said.
“The minute I walked through the door at Croftbank, I knew it was the place for him. I have been proved right, because they have been absolutely superb.”
Bill moved into Croftbank Care Home in Uddingston in October 2019. With the outbreak of the pandemic, Anne would stand in the rain and snow to chat to him through the window of his room.
He refused to be tested for Covid when he fell ill, and Anne was permitted essential daily visits to the man she thought was dying.
“He recovered and is so much better,” said Anne, who is full of praise for the special qualities of the staff at Croftbank. He has lost the ability to walk – and this is a man who walked miles. For a very clever man, he has lost the ability to have a conversation, to converse.
“He loved reading. He had a library, he loved to write poetry and he used to do the Hamilton Sound reading for the blind. He has lost all that type of ability and now depends on people all the time. He seems happy. He knows my face and he knows my voice, because the smile starts. But it’s difficult to figure out if he knows the relationship between us.
“When I go in, he gets three kisses on the lips. I count them: one, two three, then an Eskimo kiss before I sit down.”
Anne chats while playing the music she’s compiled with the help of charity Playlist for Life and staff at Croftbank. His various playlists range from Love Songs, a
compilation which begins with the theme tune to Gone with the Wind, ‘My Own True Love,’ to Scottish, which includes Road and the Miles to Dundee (to which Bill was evacuated during the war), and Donald Where’s Yer Troosers.
On some days, Anne will spare Bill’s emotions by skipping Ae Fond Kiss.
Then, there’s Bill’s Favourites playlist, in which Howard Keel booms out Bless Your Beautiful Hide – a song Anne’s fun-loving partner used to sing to her.
Although unable to express it, Bill retains his dignity and becomes frustrated when others have to administer his personal care when he wakes. That’s when Oh What a Beautiful Morning is guaranteed to lift his spirits.
Having ordered Bill a sunshine yellow customised
chair to complement his room’s shades of lemon, Anne also put together a Yellow playlist, featuring Mellow Yellow, Yellow Submarine and Yellow is the Colour of my True Love’s Hair.
As the day draws to a close, the Go to Sleep playlist of the former church elder includes his favourite hymns.
“When Bill went into Croftbank, one of the things I asked for was to please make sure he is kept in this style of dress,” continued Anne.
“He is a very snappy dresser. And they have done that, which I really appreciate.
“He has beautiful clothes, so they try at all times to match him up. He looks lovely.
Anyone would tell you that. When he moved into the home, people would say to me: ‘You don’t have any responsibility for Bill now.’
“But I would never desert him. We have got a love you cannot walk away from.
“There are ladies who visit their husbands at Croftbank and you can see the grief on them. I am the type of person who is always thankful for things, always look on the positive side.
“He is still in my life and well cared for. He is with me, even though he doesn’t stay in our house anymore.” Anne, whose bubbly nature and positive outlook defies her 80 years, continued: “It could be
a lot worse. I saw my husband fading because of cancer.
“Dementia has been hard to deal with, but nothing compared to this tall, handsome man, fading away to nothing, although Ian could still speak.
“With dementia, it eventually robs you of the person you had. But as the person caring for that person, you can play a big part and help a lot.
“Yes, I miss the man he was. But I am now starting to love the man he is.”
Said Frances Reid, deputy manager at Renaissance Care’s Croftbank Care Home: “Our role at Croftbank Care Home is an extremely personal thing
for our residents, their families and the staff who care for them.
“The relationship staff and residents share is one based on trust, love and understanding; we’re a family and that really shines through across the home as the team focuses on providing personalised care.
“These are principles which are brought to life by Playlist for Life. Not only do the playlists improve mental and physical health for our residents, but the moments of joy which they share with their loved ones through the music means so much to them and can truly improve the quality of life of those who take part.
“We’re always on the lookout for team members who share this ethos and are driven by creating a happy and loving space for our residents and their families.”
I would never desert him. We have got a love that you can’t walk away from