Room 101
Pet hates and scooter-related items which we grumble about. We all have them, but Paul has gone a stage further and created his very own ‘Scootering Room 101’.
Why do folk go to the trouble of buying and fixing lights to crash bars and racks that are not wired up and serve no purpose whatsoever?
Room 101 originated in George Orwell’s book 1984. It is the basement room where the Ministry of Love inflicts its worst torture – subjecting you to whatever you fear and dislike the most with the aim of breaking down your resistance to Big Brother. In the BBC’s version of Room 101 you can get rid of these things if a majority of the audience shares your dislike… which got me thinking of a few things that I’d like to get rid of… I’ll try not to rant!
Florida bars: I just don’t see the point or the attraction. They only get in the way as far as I can see. They make it a real hassle to get to the engine for maintenance or repairs and goodness knows where any passenger can put their feet with the darned things fitted! And why are they called Florida bars? Were they an unfortunate import from our American friends? I had to repair a scooter a few years ago and it took me longer to get the fiddly nuts and bolts holding the Florida bars undone than it did for me to remove the clutch that needed fixing!
Lights that don’t work: Adding an extra spotlight that works may make some sort of sense. Pathfinder lights were for a reason and look pretty good. But why do folk go to the trouble of buying and fixing lights to crash bars and racks that are not wired up and serve no purpose whatsoever? They just gather dust and dirt and probably rattle loose and go rusty. They add weight and serve little purpose other than getting in the way. If there’s a light fitted why not just wire it up?
Wire headlight grills: I’m not sure in 30 years I’ve actually seen a headlight broken
by a flying stone or similar… I’m sure it must happen, but fitting a flimsy little wire grille of some sort seems to make little sense. I’d rather take the chance. Like lights that don’t work, headlight grills just get in the way and make cleaning the headlight harder. The grilles are invariably very low-grade chrome and rust quickly. The longer screws that are required are fragile and easily bent. Lambretta front mudguards on a Vespa:
They drift in and out of fashion over the years but to me the lines are all wrong. They just look odd. Adding Lambretta forks is even worse. Keep a brand and style with what it is meant to be. Don’t mess with different geometry and styles!
Mod patches: I don’t wish to offend any readers but I just don’t get it. Why wear a huge target or badge saying I’m a Mod? Would such a thing have ever existed for the original snappily dressed Mods? I doubt it. It’s just commercialisation of a lifestyle. You sometime see guys with a huge patch declaring ‘Mod!’ just in case we hadn’t realised from the Doc Marten boots, pork pie hat, union jacks, lights, mirrors, and acres of chrome on the scooter they are riding. I don’t have anything against Mods you understand, I just don’t get the need for a big target and a label shouting… Mod! Bizarre.
Indian tyres: They are generally erm… bad copies of popular tread patterns or simply just very bad profiles with square edges that are a recipe for disaster. I’ve not ridden any that feel safe if ridden on wet roads or with any kind of spirit. They may be okay for pootling slowly round the dry dusty roads of Delhi but they simply don’t feel safe to me on the roads of the UK! Get them changed pronto. Lambretta exhaust studs and nuts: They really are a pain aren’t they? Funny size and one is really awkward to get to on a standard engine. This is a definite design flaw, which could probably have been done differently with a bit of thought, Mr Innocenti. M7 and 11mm nuts are unusual sizes that just compound things.
I could actually go on with so many more things in scootering that I’d like to throw into the Scootering Room 101 and never see again. This is of course just my own personal list I’m sharing, after all… who am I to decide what’s right and wrong for others? I may have to make another list one day, but I wonder what’s in your Room 101?