I can’t bear the pain of my cruel husband’s double life

letters — but you were happily protected from the knowledge and are now reeling (as countless women have done before you) with shock.

Your final paragraph is heartbreaking in its bewilderment and pain. It makes me angry that you are reduced to this acute sense that somehow this must be your fault, that you must have done something wrong. And that an unfaithful husband is a cause of shame.

None of that is true. None of this is your fault. You trusted him on every level, but that does not make you stupid or culpable. You see, I believe that people can split their lives into compartments, so that when your husband was with you — perhaps proudly watching your daughter getting a school prize or in performance — he really did feel that he loved you both.

But when he was with his mistress, that secret and exciting reality became all consuming. And so it went on — and probably would have continued had he not been found out.

Then — who knows? — later the mistress might have been one of those writing to me in distress because her lover would not leave his wife, even though he promised. This is an old, old story.

The question for me is one of recovery. I’m so relieved you have family and friends supporting you and reassuring you that the pain will pass. Of course, they’re right — although it may take a long time. These are early days. Your mood will fluctuate, but now you know you don’t want him back, the only way is up.

It will seem inappropriate for me to call you lucky — but, honestly, you are indeed fortunate to have such strong support and a wonderful, loyal daughter, as well as a successful career which has to provide a distraction (hard though that may feel at times). This is your life and nothing he can do can take it away from you.

My advice to you is succinct. First, do not do anything to encourage y our daughter’s hostili t y to her father.

Encouraging her t o see him ( maybe not now, but certainly later) will only be good for you, bestowing a measure of control and setting you firmly at the heart of the family.

Second, move swiftly to protect your own financial interests. Get a good solicitor, play hardball, don’t allow him a penny more than he is entitled to nor admit liability for any of his debts.

Third, stand tall and tell yourself that the leopard didn’t change his spots and so — agonising as it is to wave goodbye to your dream of a future — you are better off.

I promise that in time you will raise your eyes to the horizon and see how it gleams with hope.

DEAR BEL, I HAVE been married for 22 years to (I thought) a wonderful man.

At 42, I was blessed with our accomplished, beautiful daughter — now 19 and heading for a very successful future. We’re both so proud and I looked forward to our lives together, watching her life evolve.

But, f our weeks ago, I discovered that my adored husband has been having an affair. He wasn’t going to tell me; I found evidence on his phone.

Then he announced he wanted to end our marriage after all these years, wonderful times and always appearing totally in love with me.

At first he told me it had been going on for a few weeks and I fought to keep him.

But as the devastation unfolded I discovered through bank statements (which he never opened) that this affair had been going on over four years.

He’s been sending her money, spending on five-star hotels, trips abroad and so on. Because he has a long commute to work he’s been able to spin lies.

He also has absolutely massive debts — from unpaid tax and credit cards. I found this out a few years ago but thought he’d paid them off, as I insisted we sold our holiday home to do so. I ’ ve now discovered t hat he didn’t.

I’m in such shock — constantly shaking, physically sick. The pain of his double life, the deceit over so many years, is killing me. Friends and family tell me I’ll recover, but I can’t see it.

The texts and calls to the other woman — made while we were together on special occasions — fill me with horror.

The sexual intimacy, then coming home and making love to me . . . unbearable.

Our daughter is devastated and refuses to see him, which has made him angry with me. So now he treats me in a vile, cruel way, which is heartbreaking.

I don’t recognise him. I run a successful business and have to carry on, as many people depend on me. Friends have found a photo of the woman through Facebook and she is quite ugly, which makes me feel worse. I am in a very deep hole.

He committed adultery more than once when his first wife was pregnant. I’m his third wife and thought he’d stopped philandering, grown up and really loved me.

I thought we were best friends, together for ever. Now he’s thrown everything in my face, i ncluding t he f act t hat I reassured him I’d support him through all the financial troubles ahead. I feel humiliated, violated and ashamed.

What did I do so wrong? How can I ever recover? Why is he being so hateful to me?

BINNY

LUST can turn otherwise good guys into liars — desire and deceit sneaking hand in hand to frolic in the greener grass. And I tell you — there’s nothing like ongoing passion to transform decent, loving men into monsters.

I once knew a man who had been with his wife for 15 years before they had their first planned baby. He then abandoned them both when their son was just months old, for a woman he had met abroad during a six-week affair.

Men (and women) will leave long marriages — often with shattering suddenness — because they think that romantic love simply cannot be resisted.

Think? Did I really write such a stupid word? Men and women driven by urges they announce are beyond control let reason fly out the window. They act — and sometimes regret it. But very often they are quite happy to smash up the life they had and then blame their wronged spouse for making them feel bad about themselves.

Feeling guilty, they lash out, and the more conflicted they are, the more vicious they can be. I know all this — from experience and from readers’