Lost your seat last night? Break out the bubbly!

IF THE election aftermath finds voters feeling spent and exhausted, heaven knows how the politicians must feel. Together we have all been through something, but I still don’t quite know what.

The 2015 election was like some terrible reverse divorce, a tear-your-hair-out brawl, a long- distance vote-a-thon played out for more than a month. So what happens now — particularly for those no longer in office? Here is my guide to post-election etiquette for the losers. 1 If you have lost your seat, find yourself a lucrative job in a company that will pay you a fortune. Yes, that one you have had lined up since polling began in earnest. Banks, insurance companies, lobbying firms, weapons manufacturers, these are all tried- andtraditional winners. You won’t be the first and you won’t be the last. Go for it. 2 Reintroduce yourself to your kids. Instead of kissing other people’s babies, it is time to go home and kiss your own. 3 Oi, posh boy. You can revert to Received Pronunciation as of now. Not a moment too soon! Stop the glottal stop. Quit it with the cockney. You don’t have to pretend you are a Brummie/man of the people/common as muck any more. Not that anyone was fooled in the first place, mate. 4 Uncross those fingers from behind your back. The only promise you have to make now is to promise not to make any more promises until the next election. 5 Look on the bright side. You can start drinking champagne in public again.