JONATHAN CAINER

DEAR Jonathan, Mercury is due to go retrograde just as my son begins his exams. He is on the autistic scale, so this part of his life was never going to be easy — but now I feel like swimming out to sea. Anne DEAR Anne, There are some who say an obsessive focus on ratings and rankings is indicative of a dysfunctional educational system run by authorities with woefully impaired imaginations. A Mercury retrograde phase never threatens anyone’s mental ability to function. (But it may signify a long delay in turning the UK election result into an actual government.)

ARIES Mar 21 — Apr 20

IF ELECTIONS really were a suitable mechanism by which to make a difference to the lives of many, why would they not carry an endorsement from nature itself? Does the Sun ever shine because more people want it to than not? Can we use tactical voting to prevent the rain? Whatever you think about democracy, be aware that this weekend you get the casting vote in a decision that has been hanging in the balance for some while. Don’t underestimate your own power to choose. Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5601.

TAURUS Apr 21 — May 21

CAN agreement be reached this weekend? Can deals be brokered, compromises hammered out and negotiations brought to a constructive conclusion? Well, yes, of course. Rarely, if ever, do the planets that govern our lives throw spanners in the works of constructive human interaction. They hardly need to; we do that so well without any need for heavenly intervention! You may now take some persuading before you drop a strong desire to have things happen the way you want them. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5602.

GEMINI May 22 — June 22

WE ALL have times when we shine and others when we feel decidedly less than at our best. There are some who say the best way to avoid this rollercoaster of personal triumph and defeat is to stick to the flat, dull, middle ground. But you so enjoy ascending to your peaks that you are willing to accept the subsequent troughs, if this is the price you must pay. I have done my duty. I have drawn your attention to an uninteresting option. Now, this weekend, it is time for you to be at your best. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5603.

CANCER June 23 — July 23

WHAT’S so funny about a particular situation? In one way, what makes it most amusing is the very fact that someone is so entirely unamused. Unless, that is, the someone in question is you. In which case, nothing is funny. Why, the very idea is outrageous. I apologise profusely for suggesting as much. Although, you stand back and see it from a distance, if you can

put aside whatever makes a certain subject seem too sensitive . . . well, you may yet have much to

smile about this weekend. Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5604.

LEO July 24 — Aug 23

ALL hail the mighty Leo. We salute you as we raise our eyes to see you towering above us on your golden velvet throne. We await your instruction with awe and respect. Your word is our command. Well, things probably won’t be quite like that this weekend — much though you might wish they were and much though you surely deserve it. But I am happy to predict that in one key area of life, at least, you will gain enough admiration to ensure that your voice is heard before a crucial decision is made. Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5605.

VIRGO Aug 24 — Sep 23

THERE comes a moment when we have to stand our ground. We may fear that if our bluff is called, we will be exposed. But we have to put aside such doubts and summon as much faith in ourselves as we can. What’s strange about such a process is the way in which it depends so little on logic and so much on a kind of raw, rare inner emotion. You may be mild, meek and modest most of the time, but you have surprising reserves of inner strength that you can unleash when you need to. Call on them this weekend. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5606.

LIBRA Sep 24 — Oct 23

SOME of the things that are wrong in this world are not actually quite as wrong as some of the things that are considered to be right. We accept much that we ought to question and reject. And when we do find fault with a situation, do we direct our outrage at the symptom when we ought to be focusing on the cause? This weekend’s most pressing question is: ‘What truly lies behind an emerging drama?’ Answer that properly and you may yet be surprised by how much you are able to sort out. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5607.

SCORPIO Oct 24 — Nov 22

IS ‘REALITY’ exactly the same for me as it is for you? What about the people with whom you share your life? You may all occupy a broadly similar physical environment, but don’t you all experience it a little differently? Doesn’t much depend on who you are, what you think and how you choose to see a situation? Harmony can be achieved this weekend. But harmony does not mean every instrument playing the same note. It means making an effort to produce a series of notes that broadly complement each other. Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5608.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 — Dec 21

‘YOU can’t have everything you want.’ That’s what we’re all told as children. And not only by sneering adults with an oppressive agenda. Well-meaning teachers and sympathetic parents are naturally keen to ensure that their charges don’t develop unrealistic expectations that cause them great frustration and social embarrassment. Yet what exactly is it that you cannot have this weekend? And why not? Because it can’t be had? Or because you’re not so sure you want it? Uncertain? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5609.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 — Jan 20

WHAT can you get away with this weekend? Which rules might you be able to break — or at least bend a little? Now, I’m really not trying to encourage your naughty streak. I know what a sensible, practical, responsible Capricorn you are (or, rather, how hard you work to give such an impression to others). All I’m saying is that your reputation, as always, goes before you now. So far before you that, probably, nobody is watching what you’re actually up to! Let us hope you keep your conscience clear. Anxious? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5610.

AQUARIUS Jan 21 — Feb 19

‘YOU turn if you want to. The lady’s not for turning.’ Even Mrs Thatcher’s most ardent opponents have to concede that this was a great line in an impressive speech in 1980. She delivered it well. But the author was Sir Ronald Millar. And there, my dear, patient Aquarian friend, is the point of your prediction. You know what needs to be said this weekend. You may need a little help in saying it. Enrolling the aid of an objective assistant may yet help to articulate a persuasive argument. Confused? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5611.

PISCES Feb 20 — Mar 20

YOU’RE not always right. You’re both brave and humble enough to accept as much. But it really doesn’t follow, from this, that you’re always wrong. Some might say that your very willingness to concede your own fallibility sometimes causes you to give the very ground that you ought to stand and defend. And with that, we turn to your forecast for the weekend. You’ve backed away from a lot lately. Isn’t it now more appropriate, given changing, pressing circumstances, to start leading a charge? Worried? I’ve recorded a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5612.