His flirty texts make me so insecure

ALL over the world, from the most sophisticated city to the smallest, remotest village, people are having imaginary affairs with friends, colleagues, neighbours and the wives or husbands of their best friends — and let nobody tell me that sweeping statement isn’t true.

fancying other people is perfectly normal; that little spark of interest puts a spring in your step. A couple secure in their love for each other can even come home from a party and laugh because each was flirting with somebody else — in the knowledge that nothing whatsoever will happen as a result of the fun.

But there is a very fine line between harmless flirtation and thoughts likely to make other people unhappy. Notice that I write ‘thoughts’. once we get to behaviour the situation can become very worrying.

So I am not going to dismiss your sadness because your partner’s attitude to you seems to have changed. The details you give add up to ‘behaviour’.

You do not have to be sleeping with a colleague to be having an affair in your own mind. The key is secrecy. having cosy little lunches and not telling your partner at home implies you’re f eeli ng guilty about your delicious, private thoughts.

If you get an affectionate birthday card which you can’t show your partner, then those t houghts are where t hey shouldn’t be.

And why texts and emails? If you are working with somebody all day I see no reason to continue chatting after hours — unless there’s an intimacy which you know quite well shuts your partner out.

even if it’s not in fact suspicious, it’s certainly selfish.

But I’ll take issue with your statement that ‘this feels just as bad’ as if he were sleeping with the woman.

It’s not the same — for while this is making you miserable, that would drive you demented.

Nevertheless, this can’t go on. After ten years, your partner has lost interest in trying to talk to you, let alone trying to make you happy.

I suspect you’ve been going on about the woman i n work, maybe even crying (all understandable) and thus driving him further away. Am I right?

The obvious thing is to advise couple counselling (your letter was handwritten with no address, so I don’t know if you can research, but you could try the l i brary) even though I suspect this is a non- starter. So I suggest you act to surprise him. In the past year you have turned yourself into a victim, and so now it’s time to stand up for yourself.

I think you should go out for a meal, and not bring up that woman but make a real effort to chat about other things.

Bring up memories of when you met and make him laugh for a change.

Then tell him with a big smile that you’re rather bored with life and want to make changes.

Insist on a ‘date night’ each week, when you see a film or have a meal, and no mobile phones are allowed.

WhAT about finding a new interest of your own t hat gives you something to talk about? Again, the library could be helpful. I don’t care what you do (salsa dancing or weeding gardens — it doesn’t matter) but get out of the home and stop obsessing. It sounds as if your relationship is stuck in a deep rut and therefore something must be done.

The old adage, mend it or end it, is brusque but true. You need to hold your head up and decide.

And by the way, I hope you downed half that bottle of wine.