A lazy schoolboy, his posh mate and the best bit of telly this year
My favourite moment of telly this year hit the screen like an ink pellet, during an interview in School Swap — The Class Divide (itv). it was hilarious, f ascinating to observe, and over in seconds.
a likely lad called Brett, 14 or so, was lounging against a corridor wall at his Derby comprehensive, telling the camera crew why he couldn’t be bothered to work.
Brett was something of a secondary modern philosopher. He claimed it was his moral duty to avoid doing homework, in order to lessen the burden of marking on school staff.
Despite repeated pleas for quiet from his benighted teacher, Brett had spent most of the previous lesson explaining his theories to Xander, a visiting pupil from a private school. Xander looked sceptical as Brett insisted he’d be able to muck around and pass all his exams, too.
Brett was nonchalantly chewing the cord of his hoodie and preaching his creed of indolence when Xander’s hand reached out and flicked the soggy string out of his mouth.
Brett gaped. He’d been dissed — disrespected. and Derby boys don’t stand for that.
His thoughts were chasing across his face like subtitles. on the one hand, this posh newcomer was looking for a smack in the eye. on the other hand, he was half a head taller than Brett. and on a third hand, be fair, what Xander had just done was very funny.
While Brett remained speechless, probably a new sensation, the visitor turned diplomat. ‘it didn’t suit your look, mate,’ Xander said. and they both started to laugh.
the camera had captured an instant, something that couldn’t be repeated, like a baby’s first steps — the birth of a friendship.
School Swap was full of the unexpected. after a string of documentaries focusing on the appalling behaviour that appears common in even high-achieving schools, this programme took us to Bemrose Comp, a former grammar school with a high proportion of immigrant pupils.
a entrance test for 30 teenagers, none of whom spoke english as a first language, revealed an average reading age of just seven. But the dedicated, determined head Jo Ward ensured discipline was good, with swift punishment for troublemakers.
it was reassuring to know some state teachers still know how to keep order. Pupils were encouraged to respect each other and resolve arguments by talking. the lessons looked excellent, too — Mr thomas’s lively maths classes were a highlight of the day for many youngsters.
Bemrose set such a high standard that the visiting private sector head, Mark Mortimer, from the £27,000-ayear Warminster School in Wiltshire, will have his work cut out next week to demonstrate what his staff do better.
it’s a rare documentary that can leave viewers feeling better about the state of the country. if you skipped School Swap, your homework is to watch it on catch-up.
the overgrown schoolboys of New Tricks (BBC1) were taunting a latecomer, Larry Lamb, who joined the show in its 12th series just as Beeb suits decided to cancel it. the BBC might come to regret that decision. New tricks is formulaic, but it’s a stable formula that never goes stale.
Midsomer Murders is faced with the constant challenge of devising more outlandish killings, and Silent Witness must always seek out darker crimes, but New tricks is timeless. all the components — bodies, suspects, detectives — are endlessly recyclable. the show relishes i ts corny humour, flaunting its lack of sophistication. When Larry’s character ed Case (‘i prefer ted’) tried to ingratiate himself by bringing doughnuts, a Bake off stand-off developed.
Danny (Nicholas Lyndhurst) produced a box of cupcakes his girlfriend had made and claimed the glory. Steve (Denis Lawson) trumped that with macaroons, then went for the showstopper, the full Mary Berry, a masterpiece of piped cream and sponge.
that cake turned into a custard pie, as Steve walked into a door. it might have been lifted from a Norman Wisdom film.
and if you don’t know who Norman Wisdom was, back to the classroom for you.