She walks on and off like a pair of scissors. Snip, snip

on Nicola’s opening salvo... and that smile like a slice of lemon

The First Minister, a vision in j ade with cinched waist and shoulder detail, walks on stage like a pair of scissors. She has the strained look of the desperate dieter for whom lunch will be but half a grapefruit and the air of a zoo keeper who knows the locks on the lion enclosure aren’t up to much.

As is her swotty wont, we are rapidly set about with statistics: that this is the biggest SNP conference in the history of the party – 3,500 delegates; that it’s the biggest SNP in the history of ever – 114,121 members.

And most of the noobs, as well Nicola Sturgeon knows, have but a passing acquaintance with reality.

They bellow unto each other nightly in the echo-chambers of the internet, as mastodons over the swamp, and want another independence referendum now. Or at least by Christmas.

‘In the General election in 2010, fewer than half a million people voted SNP,’ cackles Sturgeon, keeping a wary eye on the exits.

‘In the Scottish election a year later, our support grew to just over 900,000 votes. And in the General election this year, almost 1.5million people chose our party. That’s almost one million more people – in just five years and across all parts of our country – persuaded to put their trust in the SNP to lead Scotland forward.’

The massed Nats writhe, purr, flex their claws. That weird smile flashes over Sturgeon, like a slice of lemon; the earnestest girl in the class.

‘We,’ she whoops, will be ‘the strong, united and progressive opposition to the Conservatives at Westminster that people across the UK are crying out for…’

IN stark contrast, she sneers, to the motley Labour crew led by one Jeremy Corbyn, divided hopelessly over austerity votes in the Commons, their leader attacked even by members of his own shadow cabinet.

By contrast, high-minded Nationalist MPs have bravely sacrificed this chance of October morn in Aberdeen – all fog and butteries – as they were up till oh-gosh o’clock in London voting heroically against George Osborne and all his works.

Sturgeon pauses and does that noble Churchillian gazing-to-far-pavilions face, as politicians do whenever they have to tell fans what they don’t want to hear. ‘There will, understandably, be significant interest in what our manifesto will say about independence. But let me make this clear…’

You sigh, and sort of sag, because that invariably prequels a steaming pan of fudge.

‘What matters just as much to me and to people across the country will be what it says about jobs and the economy, the safety of our communities, our hospitals and health centres, our schools, colleges and universities and our plans to use new powers to tackle poverty and inequality. On all of these issues and many, many more, our manifesto will set out radical, ambitious and progressive policies to make this country even stronger…’

You do wish she would stop saying ‘progressive’ so much. She is in danger of wearing it out. ‘But today I’ll tell you the principles that will guide it. Those principles are respect and democracy. Friends, I believe with all my heart that Scotland should be an independent country. But I respect the decision that our country made last year….’

There is baleful stirring in the kirk… ‘So let me be clear. To propose another referendum in the next parliament without strong evidence that a significant number of those who voted No have changed their minds would be wrong and we won’t do it.’

She pauses and looks fearfully out, as if Mhairi Black is about to fling chips. ‘Let me also be clear about this. If there is strong and consistent evidence that people have changed their minds and that independence has become the choice of a clear majority in this country, then we have no right to rule out a referendum and we won’t do that either. No one has the right to stand in the way of democracy.’

The claws retract. Fraught shadows vanish from Sturgeon’s taut face.

She handbags David Cameron, repudiates Trident as one renouncing the devil and all his works, and makes much love to No voters…

‘Next May, I will ask the people of Scotland, for the first time, to elect me as First Minister. And we, together, will seek what no party in the devolution era has yet achieved – a third term in office. Our task is clear…’ The 3,500 rumble amiably. ‘So let’s get on with our conference. Let’s get on with the job.’ And that’s it, there is the usual orchestrated spontaneous standing ovation and off she walks, snippety-snip. Undevoured. For now.