Will our daughter EVER let us see our grandchildren?
earlier emails reminded me of a story so fraught, so complicated that I felt defeated. What went wrong?
That’s what I thought then — and still wonder.
This is a saga of a difficult young woman at odds with her mother much of the time, a hurt father, angry texts, illness, then an obstructive, hostile and angry husband …and so on.
on the one hand, I have the loving snap and card; on the other a complex account of destructive relationships — including (in this new email) a sister and her daughter who stopped speaking to you, too. I’m not being flippant when I wonder if this sickness is contagious. Forgive me, but this terrible ongoing row is beyond me.
I simply do not know why people cut themselves off in this way — but suspect Rose is being manipulated by her husband and his family. Who knows what lies have been told about you? Equally, who knows how mistakes you may have made have poisoned her? What actually triggered the final row? Two weeks ago, I had a letter from another mother in a similar situation, which you may find relevant.
This mother writes: ‘ Why should we, as parents, keep on swallowing the hurt and try to keep the peace simply as a means of remaining in contact? Everything we have ever done for her has always been thrown back in our faces, and so to take her back would mean more of the same, I’m afraid.
‘She is now approaching 40 and we have no idea whether she is alone, living with a partner or even has a family herself. We certainly made friends and boyfriends welcome into our home, only to be told later on by her that she didn’t even like us, and according to her, neither did her partners.’
That reader just wanted me to know that there comes a point when all things have been tried, but nothing can be done. as you have noticed, sometimes I say that, too — and in your case, I feel it is too painful to go on sending gifts with no response.
It seems to me that now you badly need some protection from your own love and her apparent hatred, and that your husband requires the energy you are spending on this prodigal daughter. So perhaps it’s time for the gifts to stop.
Silence from you might give her pause for thought. or not. But at least it would enable you to lavish emotional attention on those who want and need it.