Simply awful, Nigella

URK, yet more vom-tastic suppers from sad singleton Nigella. I don’t know where this new series Simply Nigella (BBC2) is going — but I know where the recipes are headed. Straight into the bin.

In this week’s third episode, the foodie Cruella roasted a lettuce and fried an egg to make a hot Caesar salad — which she then ate on toast. Why?

Clearly, we are now approaching peak Nigella. The domestic goddess is reduced to floating around her lonely house, dreaming up increasingly desperate dishes, re-workings of classics that were perfectly nice in the first place, all in the name of entertainment.

Here is my tongue-in-cheek sneak peek of next week’s tasty treats.

STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM

HULL the strawberries and stuff the rubylicious beauties with foie gras and muntjac deer sausage. Deep fry some double cream and spread on Pumperdepump toast, top with the meaty fruity melange and chow down. Heaven!

FISH ’N’ CHIPS IN A BOWL

DIP your fish in crushed cornflakes and smear your cheeks with baby oil. No real culinary reason, just do it. Fry everything in an elixir of coconut oil, smoosh with pomegranate seeds and top with a bag of crisps. Naughty me!

CHEESE SUR TOAST

MIX a pound of grated Che d’Dar with liquidised broccoli thickened with honey and goji berries. Slice jellied hooves into the mix. Boil a can of lager and add some Japanese matcha green tea powder. I don’t know why, it’s just a really trendy ingredient.

Have some cocaine, if necessary. Now, spread the mixture on toast and tumble on some cress while watching your ratings tumble, too. Fortifyingly fabulous!