My daughter’s moving abroad and I can’t cope
Novelist, grandmother-of-four and ex-Blue Peter presenter Janet ellis, 60, answers your questions . . .
QMY DAUGHTER, who’s 36 and single, is about to move to France to start a new life. Even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Having lost a son to leukaemia two years ago, I don’t feel I can cope without her. I had six children, but her siblings are scattered around the country. My daughter lives nearby and we spend lots of time together — going to the gym, for walks by the sea or to the cinema.
She is a continual source of comfort as my husband — her father — who’s 79, has dementia. I’m 66, but being around my daughter reminds me of what it is to feel young and vibrant.
My beloved husband isn’t well enough to travel and I couldn’t contemplate leaving him in a care home even for a few days to visit her. I feel torn between willing my daughter to pursue her dreams, yet also wanting her close by.
AWhAT an enormous amount of sadness you’ve had to cope with in the past few years. Losing your son would be enough to fell most people. My mother-in-law suffered from Alzheimer’s for years, so I recognise — and sympathise with — the difficult and painful way your husband’s health is declining. And now your daughter says she’s off, too. No wonder everything looks bleak.
Begin by focusing on small tasks. Think about the last time you forgot your troubles. What were you doing when you were so preoccupied that you were free of your anxieties?
Perhaps you were cooking, or shouting the answers at a TV quiz, but even if it isn’t something you’d want to do all the time, it proves you’re capable of giving your sad thoughts the slip. That is something to build on.
There are elements of positive thinking in your letter. Just look how physically and mentally active you’ve stayed through everything. You’ve lost confidence in your ability to go it alone, but your hankering after adventure vicariously through your daughter proves you used to find the idea exciting.
It’s a considerable feather in your cap that four of your children are busy getting on with their lives elsewhere.
It’s worked very well for them, of course, that your locally based daughter has been such a huge support to you. I dread the thought my children would only see me out of a sense of duty, but nevertheless yours do all share the responsibility of helping you care for their dad. Even if they can’t come and care for him sometimes (though I’d quite like to know why not), they can certainly investigate relief care on your behalf. I understand you hate the idea, but you might feel better about it if all the family get involved in choosing a respite home. The only discussion you seem to have had about it is with yourself. If the situation were reversed, would you begrudge your husband the occasional break?
With your husband absent and f rail and your other children distant, it’s no wonder you’ve invested so much in your daughter.
While it’s great she’s been a companion, she’s first and foremost your child, and you don’t want her to put her life on hold. I bet she’s full of nerves — and guilt — about her future.
I’m not going to suggest you take up a hobby, but you could seek out people who enjoy the same pursuits. Take those seafront strolls a stage further and join a walking group.
You’re going through something of an identity crisis, and you’ve already begun to define yourself as too old to change. Actually, 66 is t he new quite-a-lot-younger!
Deep down, I think you can see a positive future. You’ve shown great strength and it doesn’t run out. Good luck to you and your daughter — and send me a postcard from France!