I keep thinking about his ex

QI’VE been married for five years. It is a second marriage for both of us. We were each badly hurt by divorce and single for a long time, so consider ourselves blessed that we found each other.

The problem is I can’t stop thinking about my husband’s first wife. She’s much more attractive and slimmer than I am, and I can’t stop comparing myself with her. We have a good sex life (when I can stop thinking about her) and he hardly even mentions her, but I check her Facebook page to see what she is up to. It has become so bad it’s almost an obsession.

AI don’t think it’s almost an obsession: it is one and it has to stop. I’m sure you realise that, but perhaps what you’re not considering is the potential damage to your marriage.

the real danger sign is that you say you have a good sex life, but only when you are able to stop thinking about your husband’s first wife.

What happens the rest of the time? If you’re concentrating on her, you are not focusing on your husband during love-making and perhaps, though subconsciously, you are holding back physically.

We are creatures of intuition and can sense even slight changes in those we are very close to, particularly during sex. If your husband feels it, he may start to feel rejected.

that sets up a vicious, self-fulfilling prophecy as you lose the wonderful intimacy and happiness that you have found together.

of course it’s jealousy, but I think, at heart, it is fear. If you were badly hurt by your first husband, you were, essentially, rejected and rejection leaves deep wounds.

We fear we are not good enough, not slim enough and not attractive enough. We start to compare ourselves to others and find ourselves lacking — does this sound familiar?

try turning your thoughts around. Is this woman worth the time and energy you could be lavishing on your loving husband? Are you going to al l ow her t o destroy your happiness? Because that is what you’re doing.

Remember you are the winner — so why not crack open the champagne and delete your Facebook account.