Is it time to drop my toxic, intrusive friend?

DEAR BEL FOR the past five years, I’ve been friends with a lady I met through my church. We seemed to have things in common. But two years ago I started to feel I couldn’t cope with her constant intrusion into my private life.

I am open, honest and warm, so found it very difficult not to answer her questions honestly, even though there are things I didn’t want to share.

When I ask her anything and try to make some meaningful connection, she shuts me out — she is brilliant at protecting herself. This makes me feel rejected. I have a problem with boundaries, as I was badly sexually abused from childhood until I was a teenager.

I think the worst thing was not the physical aspect, but the invasion into my soul — that deep pain where a small child is used and contaminated in the most vile way for the gratification of others.

Because of my history, I am usually keenly tuned to situations of any kind of abuse and experience the warnings deeply in my guts. However, I didn’t pick up on it with this person, as she presents herself as warm and caring. These are strong words, but that is what this situation feels like: that I’m somehow being used by this person.

There were things about the friendship I enjoyed.

I put a lot of effort into my relationships and, as I am divorced, have to make extra efforts in my social life. I don’t have a large circle of friends, as I think I’m an introvert and would become exhausted by having to have too many people around me.

So it makes me sad to think of dropping her. Recently, I did a course with a caring charity that thought highly of me. They judged me an empathic person: compassionate and a good listener.

They valued having me on the course, but I have experienced severe anxiety in the past 12 months, so for now I am taking a pause. But I do believe that in my own quiet way I can help people.

So I’m interested in pursuing this area in the future by being involved with pastoral bereavement support and want to do another course.

When I told my friend all this, she said (in a rather brutal way) that because of my anxiety I was not fit for such work. Deeply hurt, I stayed very quiet — usually my way of coping.

So, at the moment, I feel hurt and rejected by her, while also used and contaminated by questions that make me feel trapped. I have spoken to my vicar, who tells me to rise above it, as she, too, is a wounded person.

I know that there is no point in talking to her about these issues as she is defensive and not a good listener. Is my current pain a reason to let go? VERA

When I give talks about this column (in the context of my book, Lifelines) I list the categories into which I divide letters.

The seventh one is Friendship And Work, but in truth not so many arrive about those subjects, which is surprising when you think how work problems can be a daily burden, and how misunderstandings and disappointment with friends cause real misery. Your sad and rather bewildered email is a timely reminder of that fact.

In the longer version of your letter, you described your problem as ‘trite’ — but, of course, it is not. You raise important issues.

You are clearly a vulnerable woman with a good heart who has been treated badly by life. Your terrible memories of sexual abuse will never leave you; I am deeply moved by your point about how they permanently afflict the soul.

I wonder if these demons played any role in the collapse of your marriage? Certainly, they will inhibit your ability to form relationships, since trust is so hard.

I imagine your friend’s insistent questions strayed too close to childhood (a normal subject of

conversation) and, triggering pain, made you shy away from the person who unwittingly caused it.

What to her seems normal curiosity between friends to you feels horribly intrusive. So I suggest, gently, that it might not even be her fault.

Nevertheless, you say that she is not generous with confidences in return. Not a good sign.

Your vicar describes her as ‘wounded’ — which makes me wonder what she has experienced to turn her into such an assertive person. Whatever the truth, it is clear that she is not good for you.

Yes, you may have enjoyed some pleasant times together, but her bluntly discouraging response to your attempts to learn and contemplate a new sort of future was unkind, even cruel.

She could defend herself by saying that since you have been so anxious recently, her only concern is for your well-being.

Nevertheless, she had no right to stamp on your efforts like that.

Sometimes friendships (like family relationships) become toxic.

I once had a newish friend I’d grown fond of. We shared a deep love of writing and reading and I found her wonderfully funny and intelligent company. But at a dark and painful time in my life she let me down. That once-entertaining sharpness was a knife in my ribs, and her disloyalty finished it between us.

Why cling on to a friendship that upsets you?

Have you ever had counselling in an attempt to exorcise some of the demons in your past?

Have you talked to your vicar (or other spiritual adviser) about these issues in an attempt to answer questions and talk about issues of forgiveness?

It sounds as if you are in need of kind words and loving care — and unlikely to receive them from this lady. If she is, indeed, in need of help herself, you are in no position to give it.

You have other friends. There is no need for a large circle, just kindred spirits you can feel peaceful with.

In the unedited version of your letter, you suggest that you may be moving house in the coming months; if that happens, it will be a good chance to start again, keeping in touch with some old friends, but hopefully finding new ones, too.

Sometimes it is gloriously liberating to say: ‘Goodbye.’