How do I make mother who adopted me feel loved?
Novelist, grandmother of four and former Blue Peter presenter Janet Ellis, 60, answers your questions...
QI AM in my 50s, happily married with a teenage son and a demanding job. My problem is that I have two powerful and emotional mothers to keep happy. My story could have been a tragic one. I was given up for adoption as a baby, but was lucky to be adopted by a loving couple.
In my late teens, my birth mother made contact. Everyone was amazed that I wasn’t more angry or upset, but I was happy to meet her and involve her in my life. She got pregnant young and had a very hard time. I can understand, logically, why I was given away.
Until now, I have managed to keep separate the various parts of my life — the different mothers — because my birth mother is married and lives abroad with her husband and twin daughters.
But now my birth mother is moving back to Britain, I’m worried that my adoptive mother, who gets hurt if I even mention my birth mother, will be upset.
They are going to be vying for my time and attention and I don’t know how I’m going to cope.
AYou’re a credit to both the mothers in your life for your generosity and concern. up until now, because you have had geographical and emotional distance from the situation, you have developed a coping strategy that is based on keeping everything and everyone separate.
Your birth mother’s arrival back in Britain will make that more challenging.
You don’t have to see her any more than feels comfortable, but you’ll need to make your feelings clear to everyone.
You have been suppressing your emotions by worrying about everyone else’s.
from now on, you come first. That will be quite an effort, as you’re so used to being a good girl and not making any demands.
When the going gets rough, you try to smooth everything over — but life is full of bumps and dips and you needn’t be afraid they will derail you. Your relationships with your son and husband are proof of how strong you are. I presume your adoption wasn’t a secret and your adoptive mother didn’t stand in the way of you seeing your birth mother. This suggests both women are largely at peace with how things have worked out. When your adoptive mother hints that she finds your relationship with your birth mother tricky, reassure her — as one mother to another — that she has taught you there’s plenty of love to go round. Both women made choices they have had to come to terms with and you are not responsible for their happiness. Your mothers are powerful and emotional, but so are you! If you have questions, ask them. The more you try to juggle the demands of your job, your son and your husband, the less chance you will have to ask for what you need from everyone and the more your mothers will assume you’re fine. There are other people in the mix, too, such as your son and half-sisters. You can’t manage all their reactions alone. consider talking to a counsellor. Perhaps you find the decisions of 50-odd years ago harder to understand now than when you were in your teens. You are at a point when you’re taking stock. Your son needs your attention, your husband deserves free time with you and you need your space. I’m sure your mothers are acting out of love, but it’s not a competition to see who gets more of you. You are not being a bad daughter if you say ‘No’ sometimes. And a good mother should ask for, not insist on, your time.