Is being too nice ruining YOUR life?

Never say No and always put others first? A life-changing book reveals why you should hang up those angel wings - for good!

FROM the very earliest years, girls are praised for being ‘good’. We’re a ‘good girl’ if we share our toys and when we help lay the table. so, is it any wonder that as we get older, being ‘good’ becomes synonymous with winning approval from others — with being a people-pleaser?

What concerns me is how this can hold us back in adulthood. Over the past 15 years, as a life and relationship coach, I have worked with hundreds of women in group workshops and one-on-one, helping them achieve what they want in life and love. But I noticed that the same set of internalised beliefs kept appearing, whether the women were old or young, married or single, starting their careers or at the top of their field.

Over and over again, I came across grown women stuck in what I call the ‘good girl’ trap.

These are women who have a strong urge to put the needs of others first and who believe that to be of value they must be compliant and self-sacrificing.

Common signs that your inner good girl is in charge? always following the rules, even if others are breaking them. Constantly putting the needs of others first and keeping a lid on your emotions so that you don’t burden anyone.

While it is commendable to be so selfless, it’s all too easy to lose sight of our own goals and desires.

It saddens me knowing just how many women are not really living their own lives because they are too busy pleasing others.

By redressing the balance — accepting there is nothing wrong with acknowledging your desires and priorities, then acting on them — it’s my hope that you will be happier, experience better mental health and be more comfortable in your own skin.

Here’s how you can become a great woman, instead of a good girl:

IF YOU CAN’T STOP OVER-COMMITTING

The dilemma: You’re a woman who feels pulled in a million directions at once because you want to make everyone happy.

Fear of being judged by others means you’re helping out at the school fete and taking on an extra project at work even though you’re already stretched.

That you have high standards piles on even more pressure. But when you make decisions based on ‘not letting people down’, you give up control of your life and lose track of what matters to you.

The solution: Take out your calendar and look back over the past few weeks. Colour-code activities according to how much energy they give you or drain from you.

activities that leave you feeling replenished could be highlighted green, while those that left you anxious or tired might be highlighted red. any activities that provoked a neutral response could be yellow.

Keep this up until you see a pattern emerging. Then start cutting back on the red activities, replacing them with green where possible.

You will still be getting plenty of things done, but your true priorities will dominate.

YOU ALWAYS DEFER TO OTHERS

The dilemma: If someone asks you what you want, you find yourself saying ‘whatever you want’ or ‘whatever’s easiest’.

But defer to others too often and you’ll forget what you want. You end up living a life that is mostly about other people’s preferences.

In a relationship, continually deferring to your other half makes for an easier life — but it also weakens your relationship.

all the weight of decision-making ends up with your partner, and that is exhausting and unfair for them.

Plus, they fell in love with a person with her own opinions and preferences. If these disappear, then you lose part of what makes you special to your husband. The solution: To find out what you want, spend five minutes writing whatever comes into your mind when you ask yourself questions such as: How do I feel most loved? What makes me giggle? What makes me feel a connection to the people I care about? What do I want today?

Then print out the questions. Do the same each day.

Gradually, you will notice that some answers stay consistent, while others change. Both are equally worthy, but it helps to provide clarity when someone asks what you want.

YOU ARE TOO TOLERANT

The dilemma: Everyone has to put up with people and situations that aren’t perfect — that’s life — and being adaptable can be a positive attribute.

However, spending too much time and energy ignoring stuff that bothers you can leave you feeling frustrated, tired or secretly angry. It’s time to think about what you want your boundaries to be.

The solution: Take a sheet of paper and make a list of 50 things you’re putting up with. Maybe you prefer to make love in the evening, for instance, but feel compelled to respond to your partner’s advances in the morning.

Or maybe it’s those lunches with a friend that you never turn down even though she only ever wants to talk about herself.

Once you have made the list, consider how to resolve each issue.

some resolutions might need time and money, while others just need an acknowledgement that you’re afraid to make a change — and that will give you the confidence to take action.

Commit to eliminating between three and five annoyances each week.

YOU SAY ‘NO’ WHEN YOU MEAN ‘YES’

The dilemma: You’re moving house and a friend asks if you need help — but you turn her down because you don’t want to burden her.

Good girls are always saying ‘No’ when really they should say ‘Yes’ because they don’t want to seem needy and often don’t feel deserving enough. But continually saying ‘No’ means that over time you get less support when you need it and end up giving more than you’re getting.

The good girl is more worried about being ‘good’ than about responding to her needs. The solution: It’s hard to break habits on your own. and part of the reason why we don’t say ‘Yes’ more often is that we’re afraid of what others might think.

Enlist two or three close friends or trusted colleagues to double-check that when you say ‘No’, you really mean it. That way, you will become aware of all the times you say ‘No’ and won’t be so worried about what others think.

YOU SUPPRESS YOUR PHYSICAL DESIRES

The dilemma: are you keeping quiet about your true sexual desires? Maybe you don’t know what you want sexually, much less how to ask for it.

Perhaps you feel ashamed that you want to make love more than your partner or, at the other extreme, that your sexuality feels shut down. To rediscover desire, you need to get back in tune with your body.

The solution: sensuality springs from feeling good in your own skin. Put on a song you love and dance to it. Make a noise — sing, chant, yell or babble nonsense for 30 seconds. Make a list of five things that you like about your body. Don’t be afraid to be honest about your needs. If you make the move, it’s the first step to rekindling the lost spark.

YOU’RE FOREVER SAYING SORRY

The dilemma: I once had a client who apologised so much she would even

say ‘I’m sorry’ if she accidentally bumped into the furniture. Apologies are the good girl’s security blanket.

But this makes you sound like a doormat — and encourages people to treat you like one. It also devalues your actual apologies and makes it hard for you to express gratitude. I can’t count the number of women I know who apologise when someone does something kind for them.

The solution: Apologise when you really have done something wrong. But do not say sorry for existing, having feelings or a strong personality.

When you don’t know what to say, try saying ‘Thank you’ instead. It will make both you and the other person feel better. For example, ‘Thank you for listening’ instead of ‘Sorry I’m talking so much’, or ‘Thank you for showing me how to do that’ instead of ‘I’m sorry I’m such an idiot’.

YOU NEVER BOAST OR COMPLAIN

The dilemma: You hate to boast about your achievements or moan about the little niggles in life because you don’t want to make others feel uncomfortable. But always bottling up your emotions is not healthy. The solution: Come to an agreement with a friend you trust that they will let you boast or whine and grumble as much as you like for ten minutes. Then do the same for her. Neither of you is allowed to offer advice or criticise.

It’s an opportunity to let it all out without fear of being judged.

YOU ALWAYS STICK TO YOUR PROMISES

The dilemma: Months ago you volunteered to help out at your children’s school disco — but suddenly there’s a pressing deadline at work.

You want to pull out, but you promised, so you rush through work to be there.

But the end result is that you don’t enjoy the disco and feel bad for not meeting your usual high standards at work. The fear of letting others down in any area of life is making it impossible for you to renegotiate — but if you try valiantly to do everything, you put yourself in danger of burnout.

The solution: Be honest with friends or family and ask for their support when you want to change dinner plans or cuddle on the sofa instead of going out.

Don’t be afraid to cancel plans if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed. I have a client who had booked a day off work to volunteer at a charity event. But when the time came, she realised she was exhausted.

Even though she knew there were plenty of other volunteers, cancelling was incredibly hard for her to do.

However, when she rang the charity they fully supported her decision to have a day off at home, and said she could always help another time.

You might be worrying about what others think, but often they just want the best for you.