How to be the perfect party host (and guest)

From escaping a bore to the correct way to get rid of cocktail sticks. GYLES BRANDRETH guides you through the minefield of entertainment etiquette

COCKTAIL PARTIES

The late and lovely Victoria Wood hated cocktail parties. ‘If I want to stand around with a load of people I don’t like, I can get caught shoplifting and go to holloway,’ she said.

Love them or loathe them, cocktail parties are here to stay — though these days it’s usually wine, beer or elderflower cordial that’s on offer.

As a guest, the rules are simple. you should arrive within 30 minutes after the designated start time and leave no later than the finish time, or when you reckon at least half the guests have departed, whichever is the sooner.

unless you are the mother/brother/sister of the hostess, you should not be the last to leave. If anyone tells you that you are ‘the life and soul of the party’, it’s time to go home. you have definitely gone too far.

At the party, all that is expected of you is that you mix and mingle. As a rule, have two drinks, but no more. When you have drunk your first, hang on to the empty glass and collect a new one for your second. Then, if you need an excuse to move on from the bore who has trapped you in a corner, all you have to do is wave your empty glass and say you were on your way to get it refilled for a friend.

Good manners is about making the other person feel good, so make your small-talk all about them and not at all about you.

unless the party nibbles are irresistible lobster and caviar canapes, avoid them altogether. have a sandwich at home first. That way, you won’t feel peckish and won’t run the risk of dropping food down your front or getting a bit of cress stuck between your teeth.

nobody looks good eating finger-food on their feet, holding a glass in one hand and a bite in the other while wondering where they are going to wipe their sticky fingers. Besides, if you’re seen not to be eating, people will envy your self-discipline.

If you do eat, another problem is what to do with cocktail sticks once you’ve done so. The good host always provides a suitable receptacle for discarded cocktail sticks. But if there isn’t a proper saucer or napkin in view you can do as you please, because the responsibility is the host’s, not yours.

Breaking them (to avoid stabbing yourself in the leg) and popping them in your pocket or handbag is fine. don’t drop them on the floor, but don’t feel too guilty about popping them into the potted palms — they’re biodegradable after all.

I know a fellow who carries a toothpick holder for his discarded sticks.

And the actor derek nimmo had a driver who doubled as a personal footman and would accompany derek to parties and stand close by him to relieve him of unwanted sticks. Amazing, but true! Whatever you do, however, never chase after canapes. Let them come to you.

INVITATIONS

If you are the host, a cocktail party is much more of a challenge.

your invitations will set the tone. (And they are invitations, by the way, not invites. The Queen and I are agreed on that.)

An invitation by phone call or text suggests an informal get-together. An embossed card sent four to six weeks in advance suggests something much grander altogether.

These days, it is acceptable to invite guests via email. The essential is that everyone must be invited in the same way at the same time.

The invitation must say who is giving the party, what kind it is and when and where it is happening.

If you accept, show up. As an after-dinner speaker, I attend formal dinners and quite often there are gaps at the top table. This is usually because an MP accepted the invitation weeks before and on the day, decided he had a better offer/discovered his mistress was unexpectedly free.

for a drinks party, the rules are a little more relaxed. If you can’t make it at the last minute, it won’t be the end of the world — unless the party is in your honour.

INTRODUCTIONS

As The well-mannered party host, your job is to ensure your guests feel thoroughly at home.

Go out of your way to introduce people to other people, especially to those they may not know. And keep an eye on what’s happening at all times, making sure that everyone has someone to talk to and that the mixing and mingling never stops.

At an informal party, you just say ‘Jack, do you know Jill?’ and then tell Jack something interesting about Jill in order to get their conversation started.

At a more formal gathering, there are rules about who gets introduced to whom and how . . .

The most important person is who you introduce people to...e.g. ‘Prime Minister, may I introduce Gyles Brandreth.’

InTroduce the men to the women. ‘samantha cameron, may I present Gyles Brandreth.’ InTroduce youngers to their elders. ‘Gyles Brandreth, may I introduce florence cameron.’ As host, think about your location throughout the evening. start by the door so you can greet people and usher them through.

once enough guests have arrived, move to the middle of the room, drawing in new arrivals. As it edges towards home-time, set yourself up close to the door again so people can say goodbye easily.

And, whether guest or host, remember the most important rule when it comes to good manners: neVer look over someone’s shoulder for someone more interesting to talk to.

far better to feign a couple of minutes of rapt attention and then excuse yourself, either using the ‘fill the glass’ trick (see above) or explaining that you need to go to the toilet. (Toilet, by the way, is now an acceptable alternative to lavatory or loo.)

At one drinks party, I found myself talking to the duchess of Gloucester. she is lovely, but I was tired and couldn’t think of a thing to say. feeling I needed to be rescued, I leaned in towards the duchess as if to hear her better, while behind her back I gestured wildly to my wife to rescue me.

It was then I realised that there was a mirror right behind me and the duchess was watching me waving frantically. It was a shaming example of bad manners.

DINNER PARTY DOS AND DON’TS

In The nineties, when we were keeping up appearances with hyacinth Bucket (who pronounced it ‘bouquet’), giving a dinner party was a competitive sport.

happily, home entertaining now is more relaxed. nevertheless, good manners still have their part to play. As a guest: DO arrive on time or a few minutes after you are expected. If you are early, walk around the block first. DON’T turn up empty-handed. A bottle of wine is obligatory, whether you drink or not. don’t assume that you will get to taste it. An additional ‘hostess gift’ will be appreciated, but is not essential. flowers give the host or hostess extra work: they have to find a vase, cut the stems etc. A potted plant, chocolates or a scented candle are better bets. DO offer to help get people drinks, hand round pre-dinner nibbles or get the door if you are one of the first arrivals. DON’T drop out at the last minute or bring an unexpected extra guest; don’t even ask if you can. The host won’t just be simmering the cassoulet, they’ll be simmering with resentment. Towards you. DO wait for everyone to be seated and served before starting. It doesn’t do to be the first with food in your mouth. DON’T help yourself first. The rule is to pass round to your left. With a large group, you may help the person to your right, take for yourself and then pass on to the left. DO bring your fork to your mouth and not the other way round. There’s nothing well-mannered about a guest who looks like he’s scoffing from the trough. hold your knife around the handle, not like a pen. DON’T gesticulate with cutlery. nobody likes to be hit in the face by a flying piece of boeuf bourguignon. DO stay at the table. The only call you are allowed to answer during a dinner party is a call of nature. DON’T go out to make calls or smoke. The Queen and Prime Minister never do, and they get by. As a host: DO lay the table before the guests arrive. Make the table look attractive, but keep it practical. your guests don’t want to be straining to see each other over the elaborate centre-piece or risking second

degree burns from the candles as they pass the potatoes.

Cutlery should be positioned in order of use, working from the outside in.

Hyacinth would surely be mortified but, nowadays, mismatched china — known as a ‘Harlequin set’ — is acceptable.

You can get away with paper napkins at lunch or if you are eating outside, but otherwise linen napkins are an absolute must. If there aren’t linen napkins, it isn’t a dinner party. Fact. DON’T attempt to cater individually to all your guests’ different culinary quirks. Check beforehand if they have any allergies or foods they don’t eat and try to plan your menu around it.

For example, if one of your guests doesn’t eat meat, serve a fish pie that will work for all. If they are vegan or gluten-free, try to accommodate them with the bits of the menu they can eat. Today’s dinner party is all about enjoying time with your guests, not fussing in the kitchen. DO provide non-alcoholic beverages for those who aren’t drinking, but be sure not to bring anyone’s attention to the fact. Old-school Brits can be suspicious of anyone who is abstaining, and no one should have to explain themselves. DON’T be afraid to subtly start pouring out a little less for the more lubricated. The temptation can be to ensure that everyone has a good time by keeping their glasses overflowing, but a guest who is having too much of a good time can ruin everyone else’s. DO, if you want to be formal, provide separate glasses for red wine and white wine, although it is not obligatory. Always provide separate glasses for water.

Pour wine from the right. Don’t overfill glasses: aim to have them a third to half-full, no more.

William Tallon, the late Queen Mother’s loyal retainer, better known as Backstairs Billy, always liked to see his mistress’s lunch parties go with a swing. Enjoying a drink himself, he could never understand those who didn’t and, if pouring wine into your glass, would keep pouring. If you covered your glass with your hand, Billy would simply pour the wine through your fingers. DON’T scrape and stack plates at the table when clearing between courses. And leave the loading of the dishwasher for after your guests have gone. The whole business of entertaining should seem effortless. Your guests want you sparkling at the table, not scrubbing at the sink. DO be an avid observer of all that’s going on. Keep an eye on the drinks and food, but also on conversation and mood. It is up to you to guide this ship.

Once upon a time, sex, religion and politics were taboo subjects. Now, more or less anything goes, but if anyone says anything that you think might distress any one of your guests, it is your duty to change the subject at once. DON’T worry about any of it too much. You set the tone: if you are relaxed, your guests will be. Fussing over every tiny detail will achieve the opposite of what you are aiming for. OLD SCHOOL: If it’s a rectangular table, the host and hostess sit at either end of the table with the most important/senior female guest or the female guest who is the newest acquaintance to the right of the host (and her husband/partner to the left of the hostess) and the most important male guest to the right of the hostess (and his wife/ partner to the left of the host).

Traditionally, the genders alternate and partners are not seated side by side. NEW SCHOOL: If you can, opt for a round table and seat the people as you feel they will be most comfortable in an arrangement that will encourage the most lively conversation.

THE WAY TO SAY THANK YOU

AFTEr a party, it’s only good manners to say ‘thank you’, and your means of conveying your thanks should match the way in which you were invited. For example, if you were invited over the phone, call to say thank you.

EATING OUT

FINE dining can be intimidating. From the moment you walk into a grand restaurant and are greeted by an imperious maitre d’, it’s anxiety all the way. To help you through, just remember: MAKING YOUR ENTRANCE: Traditionally, the woman follows the maitre d’ and is followed by her partner. The lady goes first so she can show off her finery and because ‘ladies’ first’ is the Old School rule. In a pub, it’s the other way around. The man enters first, to forge a path along which the lady can follow. BREAD: The bread plate is always to your left. Break off a small piece of bread, butter it individually and then eat. Don’t slather the whole roll in one go. GLASSES: You can expect three glasses to the right of your place setting: a larger glass for red wine, a smaller glass for white and a tumbler for water. FORK OR FINGERS? Globe artichokes and asparagus served on their own should be eaten with your fingers and the restaurant should provide a finger bowl in which to rinse them. I thought it was clear lemon soup when finger bowlI was aged first 17. confronted by a (A foreignby Queen dignitary Victoria beingat a entertained diplomatic function in London was equally flummoxed by a finger bowl. Picking it up with both hands, he drank it — and to put him at ease, the Queen followed suit, displaying the height of good manners.)

If the asparagus is served with anything else, use a knife and fork. With oysters, you can use your fork to loosen the oyster, but then you should pick up the shell with your fingers and suck down the oyster in one. SPOONS: In Britain, a traditional soup spoon is round and the soup is drunk from the side of the spoon, although dessert spoons are nowadays fine to use for soup.

You should fill your soup spoon sideways from the far side of your soup dish and you can help yourself to the soup by tilting the dish away from you if necessary — though never towards you. You should not eat pudding with a spoon on its own — use a spoon and a fork, or a fork on its own. When eating ice cream, use a teaspoon. KNIVES: Some say that the definition of a gentleman is someone who uses a butter knife even when dining alone. Butter knives are for butter (they stay on the butter dish). Steak knives are for steak. Other knives are for everything else.

Hyacinth Bucket was proud of her fish knives, but the truth is: fish knives were a Victorian invention and you don’t need to bother about them any more. COFFEE: Traditionally, coffee is served at the end of the meal. Nowadays, though, it is perfectly acceptable to order your coffee in a restaurant while others are having pudding. If only one or two people are having pudding, it can sometimes be the politest thing to do so those indulging don’t feel selfconscious scoffing away while everyone else waits for their coffee. NEVER put your mobile on the table. (At some of the grander restaurants, they now supply a low side table next to your chair on which iPhones and handbags can be placed.) ALWAYS bring some coins to tip the person who checks your coat. And don’t give less than £1. (When I was young, I worked with the distinguished British actor, Sir Michael redgrave. His secretary always left a pile of two-shilling pieces on the sideboard for him to take with him when he went out for the day so he had tips to hand at all times.

Be like an old-fashioned film star: tip generously and often, if you can. Enjoy the joy of generosity.

In a very formal restaurant where you have a roast carved for you from the trolley at your table, it is customary to tip the carver. NEVER snap your fingers at the waiter. Just raise your hand and wave it hopefully. Don’t call out. ALWAYS close your menu after you’ve decided what you are going to order as a signal to the waiter that you are ready. When you have finished eating, put your knife and fork together. OLD SCHOOL: The person who organised the evening pays. And the impeccably mannered person who is paying does so discreetly before the meal is over, apparently slipping out for a comfort break while actually taking his or her credit card to give to the head waiter. NEW SCHOOL: Everyone splits the bill — equally. Yes, the person who doesn’t drink and didn’t order the most expensive dish on the menu has to accept that sometimes life isn’t altogether fair.

But then, that’s the point of manners. You have to make sacrifices — particularly on the domestic front, as I’ll explain tomorrow . . .