Confessional

What the wedding photographer thinks of you

IT’S a nightmare when emotional brides cry during the ceremony. I know they’ll look like a panda in the shots, but I can’t interrupt and tell them to wipe their eyes.

One bride got oil from the wheels of the vintage car on her dress and was inconsolable. She was in such a rage, we had to stage the pictures a week later. I do think of those types as ‘bridezillas’.

I understand families are in a heightened state of tension, but there’s no excuse for rude guests elbowing me aside to get their blurry smartphone shot or turning their backs to talk when I’m trying to take group portraits.

Couples want pictures of everybody, but once they’re all stuck into the champagne it’s a real challenge to get people herded together. I end up cupping my hands and yelling: ‘Everyone on the lawn. Now!’ On rainy days, there’s the umbrella problem, too — nobody wants to put theirs down for the sake of a quick shot.

Then there are the paranoid guests who don’t want you taking pictures of their kids, and the grown-up bridesmaids who’ve been forced into unflattering dresses and don’t want anyone to see them looking fat on Facebook.

I often have to Photoshop smiles on later from other pictures I’ve taken during the day.

I’ve done weddings where I’m pretty sure the bride and groom don’t even like each other — and been proved right six months later when they split up.

When they get the photos, couples say: ‘You really captured the day’ and I think: ‘If only you knew.’