DEAR BEL,

I AM 38, living with the 51-yearold father of my two children (aged 12 and eight). We run our own business, which has essentially killed our relationship: we are now business partners and not a couple.

I do love him and he’s a good dad, but we’ve had so much stress and so many financial worries, it has spoiled a once good relationship. Six months ago, I started an affair. The pressure is killing me. My lover puts up with my mood swings but can be controlling and cold.

Today he was supposed to come with me on a day’s work trip, but let me down for the fifth time.

He says his wife is suspicious or he has loads of work... then I discover it isn’t true. Last night he left me in tears. My mental health isn’t great; I’m on medication because everything became too much. The way things are going, I feel one day I am going to kill myself. All that stops me is the fact that I love my children so much.

If I break up with my lover, or he ends it, I don’t know what I’ll do. I love him so much.

Part of me wants to get a job to support myself and the kids, and be on my own, though it would really hurt my partner.

But I’m doing that daily behind his back, by loving another man. I’ve told my lover I want us to be together, but all he can say to me is: ‘Who knows?’

He’s had affairs before and left his wife once, but went back as she made life with the new woman so hard.

He warns me she’s violent and has a broken finger to prove it.

She’s spread gossip that he hits her, but I don’t know if it’s true. He definitely has another side as I saw it on one occasion and it upset me.

But he’s the most wonderful man at times and we get on brilliantly. It’s about the mental connection, as he’s not bothered about sex (he’s 55) even though it’s good and I guess I’d like more.

I look at myself and think ‘Get some self-respect!’ — but don’t know what to do. ELEANOR

Please do not throw in the idea of suicide halfway down a letter, I beg you, because it is too huge and terrible to be contained in one sentence.

If you feel in danger of a breakdown (having already seen your GP, as you explain in your uncut email) you need to address this urgently. You should go back to the GP and discuss what counselling is available on the NHs to help you through this.

If suddenly afflicted by despair, you should not hesitate to call the samaritans (116 123). and please fix the thought of your two children at the very front of your mind as you read on. I can imagine how your mood swings and anxiety over the affair are affecting your behaviour at home. They do not deserve that.

Whatever the state of your marriage, you say you still love the partner who is ‘a good dad’. You need to focus on that, too — and, frankly, although I know all about the obsessive nature of illicit passion, you must consider the consequences of ending your relationship for the sake of a man who is unlikely ever to make you the slightest bit happy.

surely your head knows that you and he will never share a proper life? look at the