‘Infertility rage’ is destroying my family
FAmILIes, families . . .we have no choice about them: they sustain us and drain us, build us up high and smash us down low, bring joy and inflict great sorrow. In all my years of writing an advice column I’ve never ceased to be astounded at the rage that can ricochet around the walls of the most ordinary homes, as family members tear each other apart. Or isolate themselves one from another in silent misery.
You sound as angry as you are upset by your daughter’s mood, so everybody needs to seek some calm. Hard but essential.
The whole issue of fertility is fraught in an age when medical advances have encouraged people to ‘expect’ rather than to ‘hope’. But because I have known women who have struggled bravely for years through many rounds of IVF, I am disturbed by your daughter’s hysterical response. What’s actually behind it?
On the surface, it’s a simple story: she tries for a baby, feels devastated at ‘failure’, goes for IVF — then feels shocked, jealous and angry because her brother and his partner become pregnant by accident and trumpet it on social media.
As an advice columnist, I have to understand her furious response to their good news because people are like that. As a normal person, I wish they’d just be stronger and deal with it!
If we were to take envy of others to a logical conclusion, we’d resent all the living because a loved one had died. None of it makes any sense. The universe is not fair, and if you can’t accept that fact, you are destined to be permanently miserable.
Your daughter is expecting, but instead of being joyful she’s worse than ever. Does she want to harm this unborn child with all her pointless rage against her family? Does her partner not realise he needs to talk to her now to stop this poison reaching the baby?
You say she had mental health issues as a result of the fertility problem, but I’d like to know what she was like before. Were there signs of instability? How was her relationship with her brother before this?
You assure me the family has always been happy, but is that true — or are you one of those families (and there are many) who yell at the least little annoyance, as a way of life? Reflect on all these questions to work out how to cope, because you can only be effective if you are honest.
Your daughter’s rage must cover terrible anxiety about the pregnancy, so she needs urgently to talk to her doctor about her high levels of stress, for the sake of her health and that of the foetus. I suggest you write her a good letter making this suggestion in the most loving way.
And does she have a close friend you know with whom you could have a (very) quiet word? Although I sympathise with your frustration at her irrational behaviour, somebody needs to help her. I’d love her to have some counselling.
Your son and his partner have already apologised for their lack of tact, therefore there’s little they can do — other than write again to say how thrilled they are the cousins will be close in age.
similarly, all you can do is send the gentle, loving letter I suggest, hoping she’ll talk to her doctor, rest properly and eat well, because this is such an important time. say you’ll always be there for her...then wait. If she ignores you or becomes angry again, just remain quiet, beam positive thoughts . . . and stay calm.
And, of course, hope and pray that once the baby is born she’ll be so thrilled she wants you all to share the joy.