I want to contact my estranged granddaughter after 18 years

Novelist, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet Ellis, 60, answers your questions...

QTHE LAST time I saw my granddaughter was in July 1998. She was a tiny baby and it was the day my son — her father — and his girlfriend broke up after a five-year relationship. Sadly the split was not amicable and my son’s ex-girlfriend moved 200 miles away. For the past 18 years my son has had little contact with his daughter, and my husband and I have had none. Every year I have sent letters and birthday gifts, but heard nothing back.

Now my granddaughter is 18 I want to make contact with her. I want her to know she has two loving grandparents who are desperate to get to know her and that we think about her every day.

I also know it would make my son happy for her to get to know our side of the family — but he is reluctant to cause more arguments and seems content for things to stay the way they are. Should I make contact with her anyway?

AI CAN’T promise a happy ending. Ideally, such loving and thoughtful grandparents would be rewarded with a reunion with their granddaughter and the chance to build a relationship.

While I’m sure she knows you’ve been thinking of her — unless those cards and presents didn’t reach her — she’ll have little or no idea of who you are.

There’s no guarantee her mother hasn’t painted a black picture of your side of the family either and she may be reluctant to meet you because of that.

Her mother chose to put a distance between you that will be hard to overcome. over time, she’s had to learn to live without her father — and that meant without you, as well.

Let’s look on the bright side. That baby girl is old enough to start making her own decisions. She won’t want to upset her mother, though, so she is the first person to try to convince.

Whatever the circumstances of the breakup, you need to make your son’s ex feel important, too. Why not write to her first, just saying you’d love her approval and would value her support before you make contact with her daughter.

Stress that initially you’d just like to be able to speak or write to your granddaughter, as it may take a while for her to feel ready to meet you. You’ve waited a long time, so don’t rush this.

If you can make contact this way, it’s better to look to the future rather than going over how much time together you’ve missed. There’ll be plenty to talk about.

At that age, your granddaughter will be making big decisions about her life and it would be wonderful for her to have you to discuss it all with.

If your son’s ex isn’t willing to help with your approaches — or even tolerate them — I suggest you contact your granddaughter through her college or place of work.

Again, give her enough space to think about whether she’d like to be in touch and be careful not to lay any blame for not being able to see her.

Your son has played little part in his daughter’s life, which may be because he felt court proceedings would be too invasive and challenging for his child, or because he wasn’t ready to be a fully committed father.

Either way, it means his daughter will probably have a rather black and white view of him.

There are so many grandparents in your position and it’s often the case that grandchildren believe they don’t hear from elder members of the family because they don’t care or because they just can’t be bothered.

Whatever your granddaughter decides, at least she won’t be able to ignore the fact that you’ve loved and still love her very much. I do wish you well.