Cheryl’s new scent smells like desperation

NOSE pegs at the ready, Cheryl Cole is just about to release her third perfume. Third! Haven’t we been punished enough?

Still, with a pop career in shreds, a position as a talent show judge in tatters and no discernible talent to speak of, the twice-married Cheryl, right, has to make the most of her celebrity, even if it is fading like honeysuckle top notes on an autumn breeze.

When her signature scent Stormflower was launched two years ago, fragrance reviewers were unimpressed. Its peach and floral pong were likened to fabric conditioner and cheap shampoo. Oh dear, never mind. Stormflower Noir came later, followed by next month’s Stormflower Platinum.

Collectively, the trio of perfumes are described as ‘light yet undeniably feminine; captivatingly modern; playful with a hint of intrigue; glamorous, charming, exceptional and beautiful; resilience contrasted against timeless beauty.’

Everything that Cheryl isn’t, in other words. You have to wonder who buys this stuff, because surely she can’t have that many fans left? And while morally, the celebrity scent market might stink to high heaven — I hate stars who use their fanbase as cashcows — there is no shortage of product. Britney Spears has 18 fragrances currently available, while Beyoncé outsells all her contemporaries with her eight fragrances, including Midnight Heat and Pulse. It makes Cheryl’s trio of bottles look positively restrained, but just you wait.

I blame Elizabeth Taylor. She started the whole thing back in 1991 when she launched White Diamonds, the first ever celebrity scent. It is still the best seller, even if it does smell like granny talc with a hint of perimenopause.

Cheryl is already taking notes. Stormflower Hot Flush cannot be far away.