Will I always be a second-rate granny?
DEAR BEL, AS THE mother of sons I adore, I’ve come to realise that the grandmother on the maternal side is always favoured when her daughter gives birth.
My sons are all happily married, but moved miles and miles away to live near their wives’ close-knit families.
It’s bad enough having to accept that the other grandparents see the grandchildren regularly (childcare, help around the house, days out, shopping trips and holidays), but when our paths do cross (family occasions), after a brief hello I’m virtually ignored. Being the outsider is most upsetting.
My daughters-in-law seem to tolerate me, but I can’t see us ever holidaying together.
To constantly hear ‘My mum and dad do this/ that’ is hurtful. My sons have an inkling about how I feel, but are understandably beholden to their wives.
As a widow on a very limited budget, I save up to go and see the grandchildren (all very young) as often as I can — and know there are so many grandparents who never get to see their grandchildren.
They’ll be wondering what I’ve got to moan about, but I really do find the situation difficult to cope with.
There’s no real solution to this problem, as I live so far away from my sons. But I would be so grateful for your advice as to how I can cope and stop getting upset.
As the grandchildren get older, I’ll be able to Skype them. I don’t really want to say that I am jealous, but I hate the feeling of being pushed into being a second-rate grandmother to my grandchildren.
JOAN
Do You mean ‘second rate’ or ‘second best’? And does it have to be one or the other? ‘Second rate’ implies you aren’t very good at the role. ‘Second best’ implies you’re not first choice. I advise you to focus — very hard indeed — on contradicting these messages in your brain and telling yourself that (a) you can be the best grandmother possible, given the distance; and (b) those lovely grandchildren are very lucky to have devoted grandparents so near.
This is the only way you can ‘flip’ your jealousy. But it involves a certain amount of self-sacrifice: carefully meditating on the children, not on yourself and your situation.
You see, if you don’t counter these negative feelings, you could become resentful and demanding. Your very real (and entirely understandable) feelings of being left out might grow until they dominate your relationships and even perhaps start to push your sons away.
Why? Because few of us can tolerate continually being made to feel guilty.
Those men (working hard, as well as being husbands, dads and sons-in-law) might shake their heads in exasperation and think, ‘oh, for heaven’s sake, what does Mum expect us to do?’ And once they think that, they take a step away from you.
Believe me, I have deep sympathy for your feelings. Geographical distance is often unavoidable.
I suspect my wonderful daughter-in-law’s mother felt many pangs, having to accept that her daughter’s married life and the first grandchild would always be four hours away. Nevertheless, we all have to cope with circumstances — and not rail pointlessly.
Four years on, my son’s mother-in-law is the very best of adored grandmothers, and that’s partly because she has made such efforts.
Quite apart from her regular visits (and she really hates the drive) the two-hundred-mile distance was bridged from the very beginning by using FaceTime on their phones — so our grandson really knew his northern Nana and she was able to witness every moment of his development.
So you should not delay using this method, or Skype, because nowadays technology has made it possible to be in touch as never before. I hope your sons and daughters-in-law realise how important this is, and set aside a regular time for such contact. This is something positive your sons can achieve.
Perhaps you could choose a special toy (a character) which is your ‘trademark’ in the phone calls . So if (say) it was Elsa from Disney’s Frozen, she would always be there in your hand, ‘talking’ to the children.
or how about a teddy bear you buy clothes for, to play a changing game over Skype? What will he be wearing next time?
If your daughters-in-law really do have parents who ignore you, that’s very sad — not to mention rude. But I whisper that you need to examine how you behave at these family events. It’s very easy to appear distant/ sulky/shy/withdrawn because you are expecting people not to want you.
If you could only challenge those feelings and sail forward with warmth and confidence . . . well then, that lively, interested expression on your face could well be reflected back at you from the faces that you meet.
Do you ask them about their lives, for example? They will only get to know you properly if you give of yourself, as a woman, not merely as an upset gran.
Yes, you live a distance away and that is very painful for you. But please don’t let these feelings drive you further away. Move towards your family all the time, in heart, in imagination — and on screen.