Daddy, is my hot chocolate Fair Trade?

...and other toe-curlingly smug one-liners overheard among families on the school run — as revealed in a hilarious new book

FIRST it was Overheard at Waitrose. Now, mums on the school run are sharing some of the ridiculous things uttered by the tribes of smug parents in their Boden dresses and Joules raincoats.

And it doesn’t just stop with the mothers and fathers – even their children are quoted sneering at food that isn’t organic or wondering how people get to school if they don’t have a car.

For these families, a tragedy is not what’s happening in Aleppo — it’s the local bakery running out of pain au chocolat with at least 75 per cent cocoa solids.

Dubbed the Highgate Mums, after the well-to-do area of London, the comments have been collated in an excruciatingly funny book . . . ‘IT’S not a jacket, mummy, it’s called a gilet.’ OveRHeARD in Waitrose car park: ‘Put that carrier bag back in the boot. We can’t use a Tesco bag in there.’ OveRHeARD on a train, a mother to her ten-year-old: ‘And that’s why you need to go to university. So you don’t become a toilet cleaner.’ ‘MY 14-YEAR-OLD son asked me if I knew where he could buy a reclaimed mango wood wardrobe for his bedroom.’ ‘I vISITeD a restaurant that had a salmon, kale and pesto dish on the children’s menu today.’ A DIe-HARD lady who lunches: ‘It’s absolutely ridiculous that I should be expected to work.’ ‘IT’S the worst barn conversion we’ve ever lived in.’ ‘WHO’S going to make me a Christmas cake so I can pretend my kid made it for the school cake sale? ‘TODAy’S gem from my nine-yearTradeold: “Daddy. Is this Fair hot chocolate?” What have I created?’ ‘PeSTO’S no fun since fresh basil became so affordable.’ HIGHGATe mum (to a waitress) ‘What types of fresh black pepper do you have?’ ‘MuMMy, Ribena tastes different in a plastic cup, doesn’t it?’ ‘There is far too much truffle oil on my pizza.’ MOTHeR: ‘I’m off to the supermarket. Any requests?’ Five-yearold replies: ‘I’d like brioche, Mummy.’ WOMAN standing in Waitrose: ‘Well, this is a very disappointing selection of granola.’ ‘THIS shower curtain is so naff, I’ve never seen the like. That’s the last time I stray from John Lewis.’ ‘We’Re having to feed the ducks wholemeal pitta bread from M&S.’ ‘In our daughter’s primary school, they are put in groups Papaya, Mango, Avocado. Whatever happened to Red, Blue, Green?’ ‘A child at my kid’s school is giving up croissants for Lent.’ ‘SHe has to watch I’m A Celebrity on Tv to be able to talk to the other girls the next day. We wouldn’t have it on otherwise.’ SPOTTeD at Highgate Tube station, someone had written ‘misplaced apostrophe’ beside a notice that had a misplaced apostrophe. ‘HOW much do teachers earn? And they expect their pupils to respect them?!’ ‘WHO’S going to make me a Christmas cake so I can pretend my kids made it for the school cake sale?’ ‘SWeeTHeART, I don’t blame the art teacher for scolding you. This piece is devastatingly lacklustre.’ ‘They have sourdough to make the school dinners seem classy, but ruin it by making the kids eat with Ikea cutlery!’ ‘yOu’ve got to focus on teenage to-do lists or they end up like their bloody fathers.’ A WOMAN in Hampshire heard speaking to a child aged about three: ‘Well, you don’t have to go to university, darling.’ ‘My three-year-old just announced in Aldi that he’d like dressed crab for his lunch.’ A HIGHGATE Mum to her toddler in buggy: ‘They don’t have the sushi that you like, darling — could you bear to try a different one?’ ‘My eight-year-old son told his friends his favourite ice cream flavour is salted caramel with peanuts.’ ‘My eight-year-old grandson has started a poetry blog. ‘My SON doesn’t like sharing buses with other passengers.’ ‘I WAS in A&e with a knife wound. The reception asked if I’d been in a fight. I said: ‘Good lord, no — I was slicing an avocado.’ ‘I APPRECIATE where they’ve come from but it’s really very difficult not to lose my rag with those tradesmen.’ A FIve-yeAR-OLD speaking to his friend while travelling on a bus: ‘you’re in my personal space.’ TWO school boys passing by: ‘He said to me: “you can’t do anything cos my mum’s a lawyer!” So I said: “Tough! Mine is, too.” ’ ‘My 14-year-old daughter told me: “you’re being really passive aggressive. That’s where I got it from.” ‘ MAN overheard on the phone outside a nursery just before Christmas: ‘A shepherd! She’s a f***ing

shepherd! You won’t believe who got to play the Virgin Mary.’ ‘We’ve had so many trips this summer. I’m really stressed out from all the packing.’ OveRHeARD on a train: ‘Mummy, what does a migrant look like?’ ‘eASTeRN european cleaners are better. I think they enjoy it more.’

ASPIRATION? THAT’S TWO SKI HOLIDAYS A YEAR... WHAT? WAITROSE HAS RUN OUT OF QUINOA? SO WHO DO YOU SAY IS PRETENTIOUS? MOI? SCHOOLS — MIDDLE CLASS WAR ZONES PAMPERED WORLD OF THE SPOILT BRATS HELL IS DEALING WITH OTHER PEOPLE FAIR TRADE FASHIONISTAS

(NeAR Holloway Poundshop in North London) Child: ‘How can nice things be only £1?’ Highgate Mum: ‘They’re not.’ ‘WE ARE answerable to nothing and no one except the happiness of the children.’ ‘WHy do we suddenly need Japanese-looking shower heads? We’ve only just installed that bloody eco one.’

THE RECESSION ONLY AFFECTS THE POOR

‘IF IT carries on, she will have to forego the pony!’ ‘I HAve the school-run, flute practice and a personal training session. Who could possibly work and have kids? ‘WE’RE saving money like everyone these days. Egypt hols are now only two weeks and I’m not going to Los Angeles again until February.’ MOTHeR to child: ‘So, who are we supporting in the World Cup? Remember it needs to be a poor country. We’ll up their spirits!’ ‘WeLL, we went to Center Parcs, but that isn’t really a holiday, is it?’

LAZY, LATTE-SIPPING MAN OF THE HOUSE

‘LIFe is life. And I don’t care what my husband says, I won’t let his redundancy get in the way of skiing. Don’t I deserve it?’ ‘I ADMIRE single mums, I really do. But if I’m honest, how much help do my husband and au pair really provide? Answer? Not much!’ FATHeR to four(ish)-year-old son on a Tube train: ‘Calm down, use your yoga breathing.’ ‘CAN’T believe I just had to ring husband from middle of Waitrose and ask if he minds if pork chops are not organic.’

ExtractEd from Highgate Mums: Overheard Wisdom From the Ladies Who Brunch by dan Hall, published by atlantic Books at £7.99. © dan Hall 2016. to order a copy for £5.99 (offer valid until October 29), visit mailbookshop.co.uk or call 0844 571 0640. P&P is free on orders over £15.