Help! My mum’s turned into bridezilla!
novelIst, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 60, answers your questions . . .
QMY MUM is 58 and has just announced her engagement. My dad died ten years ago, when he was in his mid-40s, and I’m delighted she’s found another lovely man, but the wedding arrangements are causing enormous stress in our family. Apparently Mum and Dad’s wedding was very low key, but she seems intent on making this one a huge spectacular. Even though I have a busy job and two children, she thinks nothing of phoning late at night wanting verdicts on vows or music choices. And she gets cross if she thinks we’re not taking it seriously enough. The wedding is not until next July! Her husband-to-be has told me privately that he can’t put up with much more. My younger sister has already had a huge row with Mum over it and they now aren’t speaking. How do I tell Mum to calm down without hurting her feelings?
AWhile i sympathise with you not being as interested in all the arrangements as your mum is, i think there’s a bit of deconstructing necessary here. Your father’s death was comparatively recent — you don’t say how old you or your sister were when he died, but ten years is not very long ago, even if you have your own family now.
i’m glad you’re close to your step-father-to-be, but, however fond you are of him, he’s not your dad, and, whether you’re aware of it or not, you must ever so slightly wish your parents had been able to have this ‘bells and whistles’ ceremony too.
it must also be odd for you and your sister to have to deal with the role-reversal. While i don’t know whether you and your sister are each married, it would still have been more likely for your mum to be overseeing your wedding plans rather than organising her own day at this stage in your lives.
i think you and your sister should let off steam to each other, not your mum. The last thing you want is for the day to be spoiled by petty arguments and sulks in the months leading up to it. The more your mum feels you aren’t supporting her, and even begins to suspect you might begrudge her happiness, the more she’ll decide to leave you out. Rather than being annoyed by the details of the celebrations, it might be better for each of you to look after an individual task. A roundthe-table discussion of what needs to be done would serve both to appoint roles or duties and to weed out the less than essential things brides-to-be suddenly decide they can’t do without. even the most laid-back wedding planner has been known to make out-of-character decisions about daft things such as individually decorated sugared almonds or fireworks that write the name of the happy couple. A little of your mother’s over-zealous attitude can be explained by her nervousness — both about her big day and about her future. Rather than you all shouting at her or whispering to each other in corners, a bit of teasing might help. Can i suggest you broaden the circle and include her girlfriends in the arrangements? They are the people most likely to be able to take the mickey without her taking offence. They can also organise the hen do for your mum (she will want one, won’t she?). What is delightful about all this is that your mother has found happiness — and with someone you heartily approve of. There’s not long to go now, even if to you it seems otherwise — and it’s when the wedding is over that your new family life really begins.