Don’t mess with my mince pies, Heston!

FIRST, Heston Blumenthal dusted his mincemeat pies with pine sugar. Innovative, yes, but they tasted as if they had been flavoured with loo cleaner.

Now the chef has added lemon curd, apple puree and rosewater — and thrown in a packet of ‘tangerine sugar for sprinkling’ — into the traditional mix. What?

Mr Willy Wonka of the kitchen has gone too far this time, even if fans do declare them to be delicious. For what have his latest creations got to do with the lovely, traditional mincemeat pie? What connections with Christmas? They sound like something you might pick up on Space Station Kasbah.

Jamie Oliver suggests adding butternut squash, almonds and syrup to his mincemeat pies, which is simply unforgivable. Nigella shoves dried cranberries into her ‘flutteringly light, rich and boozy, fresh and fruity star-topped pies’ (I don’t think so), while Delicious magazine is promoting pies with a meringue topping (so wrong it’s almost right). Listen here. Mincemeat pies are one of those perfect things that should just be Left Well Alone. Don’t make them with filo pastry, don’t add chocolate, don’t sprinkle with fancy berries, forget the novelty nuts and the topping of icing. All I want for Christmas is a classic mincemeat pie, made with shortcrust — never flaky! — pastry and unmucked about by a celebrity chef with a contract to fill and a bright idea. Do I make myself clear? Thank you.