Should I give my reformed son money?

DEAR BEL, MY HUSBAND and I are reasonably well off: two pensions and no major financial demands.

I have received a further £12,000 in a payout. My three children are married and they could all use £4,000. Sounds simple. I’ve got the money, they need it.

As a teen, my eldest son was a handful and (against my wishes) my husband threw him out twice. He eventually came good and he and his wife live in my mother’s house, which we bought as a retirement rental. They had nowhere, so what do you do?

Their rent is a pittance because they earn very little compared to the others, but I keep it all in a separate account and told them we would use it to improve the house as need be.

This encouraged them to pay something knowing I would ‘match fund’ work later. And it works. They both now appreciate the value of money.

Here’s my dilemma. If I use the rent money as their £4,000 gift it feels as though I am not giving them an equal share of my insurance payout which the others are receiving.

They are trying to get on their feet and I am happy to help. I just don’t know the moral situation about the equal payments.

Should I not touch the rent money, even though technically it is mine but promised to be set aside? Or do you see it as part of their £4,000 share? I’d hate this to cause problems.

I could tell my children individually not to say anything, but they are all very close and the topic might slip out at a future date. An objective view, please.

MONA

Even though we live in a largely secular country, isn’t it interesting that phrases from the Bible have entered popular consciousness, even if people would be pushed to cite chapter and verse? I’m thinking of the term ‘the prodigal son’. The parable (Luke:15) tells of the ‘bad’ younger son who demands his half of his inheritance, goes abroad and squanders it on loose living before returning, destitute and expecting nothing. But the father rushes to welcome him and throws a party to celebrate, causing the ‘good’ elder son to become resentful.

He refuses to feel joy at his brother’s return, so consumed with issues of justice and equity that he fails to see the merit of his brother’s repentance, or understand the value of their father’s forgiveness.

When I read your email this immediately sprang to mind: the thought that perhaps you are afraid that the two ‘good’ siblings might think it unfair that their brother appears to be rewarded for being a wastrel when younger. But I doubt your two successful ones will think that way.

As the mother of two adult children, I am aware that at different times I’ve given one more help than the other; a situation that has also been reversed. They don’t know details, nor should they. I love them equally, but consider my money my own business, to be dispersed as I wish. It all evens out and they are independent anyway.

You have absolutely done the right thing in helping your ‘reformed’ eldest son to become the man he is today. I see no problem in keeping the issue of the pension windfall in a separate compartment from the peppercorn rent on your property.

It is generous of you to share the £12,000 between the three of them, at a time when they could all use the money.

But it is perfectly sensible to save the rent (small though it is) for a time in the future when, indeed, the house may need a new boiler, or whatever. You and your husband own the property and it must be maintained in order to keep its value.

I wonder what you have done about the inheritance of that property, but imagine your will leaves it jointly to all your children. This is also fair, and they should know that.

To read that your three adult children are all very close fills me with joy, as I get so many letters about warring families.

Given that they would hardly be so close had their mother not been the kind of person to engender such love between them, I see nothing wrong in them benefiting equally from your windfall, and from the property after your death, but in you continuing to save the rent.