My lover’s confided he was molested as a child

DEAR BEL, MY BOYFRIEND and I have been together for two and a half years, easily the happiest of my life. We have a great relationship — open, loving, comfortable and full of fun. For me it’s perfect, but for one thing I struggle to even discuss.

Quite early on, he confided that he was sexually abused by a neighbour as a child. It went on for around two years (from age seven to nine) and his abuser died some years ago.

I’m the only person he has ever told and he’s adamant nobody else should ever know. I think it would be fair to say he has moved on from the ordeal quite successfully.

As a younger man he suffered from OCD (brought on, he feels, by the abuse), but he now manages that very well.

He is determined not to be a victim of his past, for which I admire him and feel immensely proud of him.

My problem is that I am eaten up inside by the knowledge of what happened to this man I love so much.

At the time, I tried to let him know my feelings hadn’t changed towards him. That was his biggest fear and I did everything I could to convince him that, to me, he is still exactly the same man I fell for.

While that’s absolutely true, now two years later I’m afraid I can’t let go of it. I think about it most days. Sometimes I could cry for the terrible pain he had to endure. When we visit his family, I struggle to look at childhood pictures, because I can’t bear to imagine the frightened little boy he was.

Other days I am so filled with rage I struggle to control it. I feel like I want to fix it — go back in time and save him.

I feel irrational anger towards his amazing parents for not protecting him (which I know is unreasonable and grossly unfair).

Sometimes I worry he links sex with me to what happened to him (although he has assured me that he doesn’t). What makes it all worse is that it’s literally the only thing we don’t discuss — not since he first told me.

There have been a couple of occasions when he’s had a bit too much to drink and got upset, but even on those occasions we haven’t discussed it, I’ve just tried to comfort him.

I sometimes feel I should talk to him about it; I just don’t want him to feel like it’s a big issue for me or changes my feelings.

I’m only writing to you because I just need to talk to someone about it. I really don’t know what to do. Please help. JOSEPH

Did you see the iTV drama series Unforgotten, which ended last week? if not, it could be an idea to find it on catch-up, and watch with your partner. The subject was the horrible, painful, difficult one of sexual abuse (three different cases) in childhood, and the permanent damage it causes. i realise that will sound very grim, but the six-parter is a brilliant piece of police procedural which really draws you in — and it could be a way of starting the conversation you need to have with your boyfriend, especially as the drama shows just how damaging silence can be between couples.

if your happy relationship is to grow and develop, you will need to become closer on every level, and surely that must involve encouraging him to reveal more about what happened?

Even if he insists he wants to protect you, it might be possible for you to suggest he has therapy. But only if

the discussion happens. Your letter, like the second one on today’s page, shows how past wounds go on bleeding.

Strangely, it sounds as though your lovely boyfriend is managing quite well (on the surface, at least) and therefore you should first address your own confusion.

I can understand your rage at what happened and your wish that somebody could have protected him, but you are also in need of help.

It’s vital that you tackle what these swirling thoughts are doing to you. There’s a great deal of information online (see counselling-directory. org.uk/counsellor-articles/ male-adult-survivors-of-childhoodsexual-abuse-men-coming-out-ofthe-shadows), so I suggest you do some homework, because knowledge helps counter confusion.

You need to put yourself in charge of your own feelings, so that you are better able to be loving and supportive to him.

It also seems obvious to me that you should book some faceto-face counselling sessions (see itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists) to unpick your complicated fears.

In an ideal world, you and he might consider couple counselling (and I hope you realise that Relate is the place for any relationship), but obviously not yet.

You’ll need to take baby steps and I just point out (very gently) that your own tumult needs reining in as well as exploring.

It’s too easy to say, ‘I’m raging about what happened to him in the past’ when in truth you are upset by your own ambivalent feelings about the present. Are you making it more about you than him? Is there a smidgeon of truth in that?

It’s vital to be honest before you can act on what I suggest above, with equal sensitivity and determination. Remember, there’s help out there.

Look back and read your opening paragraph aloud.

Think about those positives and vow to build on them as you confront the problem — for both your sakes.