Can I ever forget my husband’s affair?
DEAR BEL, THIRTY-THREE years ago my husband had an affair for three months. When I found evidence, I confronted them.
I asked if they loved each other and she (a divorcee) replied yes and my husband said he ‘thought a lot of her’. After much discussion with them both, I gave my husband a choice of leaving with me (and we’d try to put the pieces back together) or remaining there with her.
We left together and to the best of my knowledge he has not set eyes on her since.
He says he wouldn’t recognise her if she walked in the room.
We’ve had a wonderful life since, even though I have tended to make reference to his affair quite often.
Why, after all this time, do I keep asking him to tell me why he did it to me? I’m haunted by the fact that he took her abroad for a weekend (to a hotel we had been to earlier), to lunch on our second wedding anniversary and generally saw her as much as possible, me being away at our newly acquired holiday home.
She has never re-married and still lives in the same house, so if he’d wished to revive the affair, he could easily have done so.
I know I’m being silly and my questioning is probably opening up old wounds, but I still can’t get my head around the fact that he jeopardised our marriage with this affair that meant so little he could just walk away.
Please help me get things back in proportion, because the way I’m carrying on at the moment is driving me mad. My husband is 70, I am 65 and I don’t want to waste these next precious years making us both unhappy. CLAIRE
When Lord Byron wrote ‘Man’s love is of man’s life a thing apart/Tis woman’s whole existence’, he was actually writing in the persona of a heartbroken female. So was he right? I think so, although some of my sisters will probably object to the stereotyping. That 20th-century wit Dorothy Parker gave her own take on the notion: ‘Woman wants monogamy / Man delights in novelty/Love is woman’s moon and sun / Man has other forms of fun.’
There may be plenty of fancy-free or married women who want a commitment-free ‘hook up’ or a bit on the side. And plenty of faithful men for whom fidelity is a joyful way of life. nevertheless, experience tells me that the randy, aristocratic 19th century poet and the satirical American lady knew human nature well.
If you were to ask me (rather than him) why your husband had that three-month fling, I would say: ‘Because he fancied her and she felt the same and illicit sex can be thrilling and fun.’ Simple.
except it’s not, is it? The acid of betrayal has been eating away at you for 33 years and it’s disfiguring. I see no point in taking a man back only to continue dishing out verbal punishment for 33 years. ‘Probably opening up old wounds’…you write. Probably? This obsession hurts you most of all, so I just beg you to stop.
All those years ago you were bold and decisive to confront the lovers, offer your husband a clear choice and walk into the future with him. But you spoil that triumph each time you ‘make reference to his affair’ and beat both of you about the head with your insecurity and inability to face up to human flaws.
he felt desire, behaved badly, had a fling, spent money on another woman, then demonstrated to her that it didn’t mean very much at all. So tedious, so predictable — and (in my book) so eminently, damnably forgivable.
You want to grow old peacefully. Therefore you need a signal to yourself to keep silent. A really good one is to dig the nails of your right hand into the back of your left — hard, so it hurts — each time you even think about what happened. Try it.
next, you need to live in the moment, so I suggest you buy a book on mindfulness and do the exercises.
This man was a silly fool 33 years ago, but he is your silly fool. he acted as men and women (including me) have done throughout history, but that doesn’t make him wicked. Take his hand, so you may give each other comfort as you age — because you need each other.