It’s sheer hell being a demon these days

This is a formal notice Requiring your attention A written declaration Stating my intention

To expand my current premises As an ongoing investment Enclosed, please find my site plans And local impact assessment.

When I bought this property It was sold as a bottomless pit, But see how the sides are bulging It can’t be really, can it?

So I need an extension to relieve The pressure down below. The conditions are inhuman And demons have rights, you know.

I used to just take the hindmost But now it’s the foremost as well, And a large part of the middle Is weakening I can tell.

Every man Jack and his agent Has merchandise to hock. I don’t need to seek them out; They’re queuing round the block.

In the old days I would use my wits Employing endless guile, But now it’s all too easy And subtlety’s out of style.

Gambling, drugs and

the internet Have done for the gormless saps, I prop the firedoors open — They fall right into my lap.

But how can I torment the damned If I haven’t got the space? I can’t even swing a pitchfork. Frankly, it’s a disgrace.

Hades Borough Council Has rejected all my appeals They just need a little persuasion Couldn’t you grease the wheels?

I know I was your favourite Before my little mistake, Can’t we let bygones be bygones, You know, for old time’s sake?

It’s no use you pretending That you can’t hear me up there, You’re omnipresent, aren’t you? Always, everywhere.

You’ve never forgiven me, have you, For striking out on my own? You never reply to my letters, Don’t bother to answer the phone.

Your air of superiority Is just too much to bear, Well I’ve had enough of this lousy job. That’s it, I quit, so there!

I’ve tried being reasonable, All to no avail. I’ll liquidate my assets, Have a fire sale.

I’ll flood the Earth with monsters, Murderous psychopaths. How do you like them apples? What do you think of that?

I’ll play the futures markets, Open a B&B, There’s a world of opportunities For an entrepreneur like me.

I always was the clever one, Most comely and most blest, I’ve come to the conclusion I’m the victim of my own success.

g. Bell, eastleigh, Hants.